Ask Amy: Caregiver duties cause rift

Dear Amy: My mother-in-law has chronic health issues. My husband's sister, "Jackie," is single and lives with their mother.

Jackie works from home and has a fairly flexible schedule. My husband and I have two toddlers. We both work long hours out of the house.

My husband and Jackie have struggled to find a reasonable balance of care for their mother. She has frequent doctors' appointments and doesn't like to drive. Jackie thinks that she and my husband should split the load 50/50. My husband is of the opinion that the load should be divided based on availability.

My husband has a lot of responsibilities at home with our children, in addition to a much more demanding work schedule than Jackie's. I think it's hard for her to understand the demands of small children.

She has become resentful. I'm trying but struggling to see Jackie's perspective. Can you help me do that?

Amy says: Jackie doesn't understand the pressure of having two toddlers at home, and you likely don't understand the challenges of cohabiting and providing care for an elderly and chronically ill parent.

You should assume that she provides a lot of daily care that you don't know about. You also should imagine what the situation would be like if Jackie became overwhelmed and decided to decamp.

I agree that a family member should accompany her to doctors' appointments, if possible; the siblings should take a look at the calendar a month in advance and do their best to share this responsibility.

Dear Amy: I lost my husband almost a year ago. After the funeral, friends made a lot of promises that they would always be there for me in whatever way I needed. Those promises were sincere, I'm sure, but the majority just went on with their lives. I understand this.

My question is: Why make these promises if you can't follow through? I would have appreciated an occasional phone call, someone dropping in to visit or inviting me out for coffee. It's been a lonely year.

Amy says: I'm so sorry for this loss and for the loneliness that has followed.

Oftentimes people make these promises but don't follow through because we don't have a cultural roadmap for what to do after the memorial service. But as you point out, it doesn't have to be hard. It takes only a phone call, an invitation for coffee, a visit.