Dear Amy: My parents died within the past three years. My five adult siblings, all in their 70s, speak of visiting my parents' graves as if they are still alive, as in, "I went to see Mom and Dad today."
Saying they are going to see Mom and Dad seems disrespectful. They are going to reflect, to think, to smile, to cry — but they are not going to visit. This nags at me. Does anyone else find this odd?
Amy says: It doesn't seem disrespectful to me. No two people process loss the same way. Many people crave connection. Your siblings might believe that they are communing with your parents' spirits. You don't get to dictate how your siblings process this loss or how they perceive your parents' existence.
It might be a good idea to ask them to explain what they're thinking when they refer to your folks in this way. I doubt that any of them will tell you that they believe your folks are actually alive, but when they visit their gravesites, they're remembering and reviving the relationship, which might be very much alive to them.
Too late to apologize?
Dear Amy: Over 50 years ago, at the end of our senior year of college, a friend told me she was pregnant and asked me to be her baby's godmother. I was young, immature and did not think through the responsibilities, but agreed.
Aside from some babysitting and being present at the baptism, I haven't had much contact with the child. The college friend married the baby's father, and they have had what seems to be a happy family life.
After getting married a few years later, my husband and I moved to another state. The friend and I have not been in touch except for exchanging Christmas cards.
I feel bad that I failed in my duties as a godparent and would like to send an apology letter, saying that I am sincerely sorry for letting the family down. I am not looking for forgiveness from them. I just want to admit my failure and let it go at that. Is this advisable?
