Dear Amy: I admit it, I'm bossy and controlling. My husband of 30 years naturally pushes back when I pressure him too much, and I try very hard to accept that he's entitled to his choices if they don't affect me.
But he has put on a lot of extra pounds and is now at an unhealthy weight for a 65-year-old. He was pretty thin until 20 years ago, and has never paid attention to his weight. I've had a heart to heart about how I want him around for a long time, but it didn't result in any changes.
I don't know what to do now. I squandered my allotment of unsolicited advice years ago, but now it really matters. Any advice on how I can get him to accept that some changes need to be made?
Amy says: If your husband was "pretty thin until 20 years ago," his weight gain does not seem to be all that sudden (although he might have reached a new threshold recently).
You describe yourself as bossy and controlling, and while I applaud your efforts to change, your entire narrative is a search for ways to boss and control your husband. You should ask — not tell — him if there are ways he would join you in establishing or maintaining a healthier lifestyle, like by going with you on a daily long walk, for instance.
Otherwise, my instinct is that the less you push and interfere, the more your husband may face the realization that he (not you) bears the responsibility for his own life and health.
Reunion advice
Dear Amy: I am working with some of my high school classmates on our upcoming 50th reunion. One of our classmates died by suicide a few years after graduation, I believe as a result of postpartum depression.
I located her obituary, and found that she left behind two young children. I searched to see if they still lived in the community, and I found her daughter on Facebook. I wonder if my classmate's daughter would be interested in meeting some of her mother's friends at our class reunion next year. It could be a healing moment to learn about her mother and hear how loved she was. At the same time, her daughter might have strong feelings of sadness or anger about her mother's death.
