Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. As the bride, I'm planning on making certain requests of my guests, to make sure that my special day is as perfect as possible. For example, I'm asking that my guests wear exclusively yellow at the ceremony.
My fiancé has been supportive, but he angrily rejected my other request: that our guests remain silent throughout both the ceremony and reception (to ensure that the focus remains on us).
My fiancé does not want to have a silent wedding. I know it's uncommon, but we've had them in my family. The guests are not permitted to speak during the ceremony, and the only toasts allowed are from the parents of the bride and groom.
During the reception, the guests may whisper amongst themselves, but may not speak aloud. As the newly married couple, our focus should remain solely on one another, rather than on any rowdy guests.
I know it's a lot to ask, but I feel I should have the wedding I want. And I want him to support me, even if we disagree on something.
Is my fiancé's lack of understanding and support a red flag?
Amy says: Congratulations! You are on the verge of attaining legendary Bridezilla status.
Yes, there are many red flags here, and I hope your fiancé is paying attention to them, because if you are this self-centered now, I can only imagine what might lie ahead.
You seem to have gotten the idea that a wedding is for the bride alone, to serve her whims and fancies. No. It's the groom's wedding, too. And it's a family event that should celebrate the joining of two families.
Your fiancé's job is not to support you regardless of how dumb your ideas are. That's not how marriage works.
Let's start with your request that all guests must wear yellow. I have yet to see a man's yellow outfit that didn't bring to mind a giant banana.
Let's move on to the silence. Generally, guests don't speak during wedding ceremonies, unless asked to read aloud. But a silent reception? Aside from some traditions associated with a Quaker wedding (which yours obviously is not), the idea of a silent reception goes well with your color scheme: basically bananas.
If you don't want rowdy guests, then limit (or don't serve) alcohol. If you want the focus solely and exclusively on you, then get married in a small room, standing before a mirror.
Two's company, but five?
Dear Amy: My husband and I invited my side of the family over for Thanksgiving dinner. However, our niece and nephew asked if they could bring five additional people.
We don't know these people, and so my husband said no. We would have accepted a couple of people we know, but beyond that, no way. We think it was very impolite for our niece and nephew to ask.
What is your take on this?
Amy says: Thanksgiving is traditionally a dinner where the spirit is one of openness and hospitality. But it also is traditionally a dinner that can be very challenging to prepare for and host.
My basic point is that it isn't necessarily impolite to ask to bring more guests, unless the request itself makes the hosts feel pushed into a corner, which this request obviously did. Five people is a lot of extra guests to accommodate.
They asked, the answer was no, and — assuming that they accepted the answer graciously — I hope that everybody moved on.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
