Ask Amy: Assault tests the power of forgiveness

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We each have two adult children from previous marriages. His 42-year-old son, "Tony," recently divorced with a preschooler, has always had issues.

On Father's Day, my husband's children and grandchildren gathered at our house. Tony, who has a drinking problem, started drinking beer early. I was busy attending to the group and wasn't paying attention to the amount he was consuming. (Plus, he's an adult; I'm not responsible for him.)

Later, Tony decided that he and his child would spend the night at our house. I fed, bathed, and put the child to bed, still not realizing that he was continuing to drink.

I went to bed, but was awakened by Tony and my husband arguing loudly. I told them both to go to bed. My husband walked into our bedroom, and Tony followed. Suddenly, he punched his father with a closed fist, knocking him over. He immediately ran out and punched a huge hole in our living room wall, and then moved outside, where he continued to destroy things.

He broke my husband's orbital bone, which has required extensive surgery.

Tony reached out to me by phone in the following days, but did not speak to his father. He has since emailed and sent handwritten letters to both of us.

His father is making noises about forgiveness, but I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again. Am I obligated to forgive this person who caused so much damage to our family ... even though he is part of our family?

You don't say what remorse Tony has expressed, but you will have to determine whether he has acknowledged his actions, sincerely asked for forgiveness and started the process of making amends. If not, he might not be ready — and you might not be ready.

My instinct is that your husband might be moving toward forgiveness as a way of trying to forget this assault. He also might be trying to continue to parent his son, by extending his forgiveness as a positive example.

But forgiveness is both an action and an art. You can determine for yourself whether to attempt the action, but the art of forgiveness requires compassion, sincerity and a genuine release of anger.

Dear Amy: A friend recently passed along some extremely negative comments about me that had been said by another friend. I feel completely destabilized by this, and I feel betrayed by both friends.

I'm reaching out for some direction for how to respond to this.

You can answer truthfully that you wish they had found another way to convey this idea, because now you are left feeling let down by both people.

As for the person who originally said these things, telling them that you are now aware of these comments will leave the issue in their court.