Ask Amy: Adults’ anger leads to kids’ tears

Dear Amy: My two sons are not speaking to one another after a fight that occurred during Christmas two years ago. The result is that one son’s daughters don’t like their uncle. The girls are 11, 9 and 6.

While they were sleeping overnight at my house last weekend, I told my granddaughters that I love both of my sons equally. They started to cry. The next day I met with their parents and apologized.

I thought that they had forgiven me until recently, when my son said that the oldest daughter is scarred. He claims that I screamed at her and that she now needs therapy. He asked me to go to therapy, as well.

I asked my sons to forgive one another and to move forward so that our family can be back to normal. They declined. Is there anything we can do to solve this?

Amy says: The old phrase “This will end in tears” perfectly describes the lasting impact of this long-ago fight.

I’m going to assume that you are leaving out some details in your narrative. This forces me to speculate.

You told your granddaughters that you love both of your sons equally. This is an innocuous and laudable statement. But I wonder if this statement came at the end of a larger discussion, and if so, why you were discussing this issue with these girls in the first place.

Perhaps your granddaughters asked you to talk about the estrangement between their dad and uncle. The eldest daughter might have disturbing memories of this Christmastime fight, and the conversation brought up some unresolved trauma.

An alternative explanation is that their dad is trying to box you into a corner by attempting to control the narrative.

I hope you will find a way to cooperate, without letting him completely control you. You should express your willingness to see a therapist, especially if your son will join you.

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, and between the kids and our jobs, we are super-busy, but we are making things work.

Recently we had a very rare date night. We both had a little bit too much to drink, and we had the kind of intimate conversation we haven’t had in a long time.

I don’t want to throw our relationship away over something that happened a long time ago, but I’m really having trouble getting past this.

My wife acts like she has unburdened herself and thinks this should be the end of it. I don’t know how to respond. I’m seeking some perspective.

Amy says: Your wife’s “fling” is old news for her. She’s had over 10 years to live with it. For you, this is brand new. She does not have the right to insist that you get over it quickly.

Do not throw your relationship away over this. Do talk about it. You should express everything that you are thinking and feeling, and she should listen and learn from you.

If you find you are holding onto resentment and hard thoughts, a marriage counselor could help to guide you through this.