Dear Readers: I'm often curious about what happens to the advice I offer once it leaves my desk, and so I ask readers to send in "updates" about how my advice was received, if it was followed and how things turned out.
Of all of the updates I've received, today's has moved me the most. The original Q&A from 2011 is printed below, followed by the update.
Dear Amy: I'm an adult man, nearing 50, with a very difficult family history. My parents divorced when I was 9. I lived with my mother and stepfather. He sexually molested me, with my mother's knowledge.
I have done lots of healing about this, and today I have a great life.
My question is: Now that my mother and biological father are elderly (my stepfather committed suicide), what kind of "allegiance" do I owe my parents, in terms of caring for them in their declining years? I have been on my own since leaving home at 15. The thought of spending time and money on two people who were poor parents makes me angry. Then comes the guilt. What's your perspective on this?
Amy says: If assisting your parents would further your healing, then you should do it. Rising above the horror of your childhood to support your abusers would be an extraordinary act of grace. However, I don't think you should consider yourself a failure if you can't reach this extremely high standard.
The fact that your parents have survived long enough to be elderly should not confer any obligation upon you. This sounds very harsh, but I feel that they renounced their kinship to you and your allegiance to them when they victimized you.
Update
Dear Amy: Your response was tremendous validation. Several times since you answered, when I had occasion to disclose my history to close friends, I told them about how I keep a strong boundary around my parents and do not intend to do much for them as they age. I almost always added that I have you in my corner on this.
