Q: I have been dating an adorable man for six months and we are starting to hit that sexual stride, when it goes from once a week and decent to awesome all-day marathons. But I have an unexplored kink that I'm afraid to bring up, out of fear he will think I'm a weirdo. I don't think it's that uncommon, but since he is so affectionate and loving I think he might have a hard time accommodating me. I want him to slap and choke me during sex.
He has spanked me a couple of times in the heat of the moment, but the idea of a little extra violence really turns me on. I see choking and slapping in porn all the time, so I assume it's not uncommon. So how do I approach this subject with him? He's seriously the type of guy to help an old lady cross the street and does sweet things for me all the time. He's very sensual in bed and doesn't seem to be the rough-sex type. I'm afraid he won't be able to bring himself to hurt me, but I really want to try this out.
A: You might be pleased to know that your kink isn't all that deviant. Many (if not most) straight women enjoy being submissive in bed, and there are plenty of speculative reasons for that. My opinion is that we cannot outrun our caveman past.
As important as gender equality is in our daily lives, we can't ignore nature when it comes to screwing, which is the most basic and necessary act of our existence. With the exception of hyenas, lemurs and bonobos, males are the dominant sex in nearly every species, and happily assume the role of sexual aggressor. Humans have evolved to civility, and for the most part understand that nonconsensual sex is bad. Do human males still enjoy being sexually aggressive sometimes? Oh, yes. Do consenting women still love being the object of such unbridled affection? Absolutely.
It's natural to be skittish about asking for something new during sex. No one likes being rejected. Matters of the bedroom are even more sensitive because you're naked and vulnerable, and if something goes wrong it could ruin the possibility of attempting that particular act ever again. You also feel like your partner will judge you harshly if he or she isn't down with it. However, the odds of your boyfriend being up for a little slap and choke look pretty good to me. A guy who's not only described as sensual but is also willing to set aside an entire day for sex is probably just the type to be willing to fulfill his partner's desires, no matter how deviant. Also, he's already been known to spank you in the heat of the moment. It's possible that he's testing the waters for his own interests. How great would it be to come clean, only to have him reveal that he also wants to start getting into the rough stuff?
Bring the subject up outside of the bedroom, like during a hot text-message exchange or after you share a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Be straight up about your fantasy; tell him you were thinking about him in bed this morning, touching yourself, and you orgasmed almost instantly after imagining a rough sex session. When he asks just how rough it was in your mind, tell him. Let him know that the thought of him holding your arms down with one hand while the other one was around your throat is incredibly arousing. A little white lie is acceptable here, too: Say you had a dream that he was choking and slapping you, and you were so aroused that you woke up to a wet spot. I predict he'll be just fine with fulfilling your fantasy, and might even have some experience to offer.
Just remember that choking can be dangerous, so have a code word for if the slapping gets a little carried away, or a physical signal to stop play if your breathing becomes totally restricted. Rough sex is sexy, but a black eye at work the next day is not.
- Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!
