Q: Is it more important to have a relationship that is fun or one that is intellectually stimulating? My boyfriend is not the most intellectual being -- he is very intelligent and has many opinions on culture, literature, politics, etc., but he does not express them openly. He is consistently laid back and seeking fun in life that does not progress into anything, or stimulate any emotional or mental growth. Deep, personal intellectual interactions are something that I long for -- and in our relationship they can only occur if I am by myself or with other like-minded people.
I love my boyfriend deeply -- and always laugh and have fun moments -- but the deep, close, mental connection is missing. What do I do?
- Ashley, 24
A: You're looking for what everyone's looking for: the ideal partner. What girl doesn't want a guy who can pontificate on the physics of "Star Trek" and effortlessly pepper the conversation with a few "Anchorman" quotes? The only problem is that the perfect combo is never easy to find, so ask yourself if your boyfriend really has the potential to be perfect. Maybe his smarts are buried in his brain and he's just too shy to open his mouth around other people, but what if he's never going to feel comfortable doing so? You can't coax an intelligent conversation out of him; it has to come naturally.
If he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer but is otherwise all-around awesome, then save the smart conversation for when you're with your friends. It is possible to have a nurturing physical relationship with your boyfriend while maintaining stimulating friendships with those like-minded people in your life. In fact, for some couples, it only works when these two elements stay separated. If he's the right guy, then it'll work out for the both of you.
However, it's about 100 percent more likely that you're going to start losing interest in your boyfriend because he can't keep up. My advice is to decide whether you want to ride it out and let the relationship run its course, or spare a deeper attachment and cut your losses now.
Q: I'm recently divorced. The last six months of my marriage there was no kissing or sexual activity. I am at a point now where I am interested in returning to the dating game but fear that my skills on both counts are severely lacking. What do I do about this?
A: A very wise friend of mine once said that skill is not a prerequisite for fun. This little token of wisdom also applies to the dating world, even when it's time to start getting down.
We all have different desires, so let them be your guide. Remember that there's no one way to have sex. Be open to new experiences, and be honest with your partners about what you like and don't like. Likewise, listen to them when they tell you what they're into. Stave off any distractions and tune into the moment; the best banging happens when you lose all track of time because you had no idea what was going on around you. Have fun, be yourself and don't be afraid to experiment. Just because you haven't hit the skins for a while doesn't mean you've forgotten how it's done.
