Alexis on the Sexes: Status update

Q: In this hook-up- and Facebook-saturated market, how does a real man approach women more effectively? I'm not necessarily interested in the one-time hook-up. I recognize that the rules of dating are not timeless. Gents don't leave calling cards anymore or dispense invitations for rides on bicycles built for two. I am also beginning to sense that the phone-number exchange is on its way to extinction. Give me an edge here, Alexis.

A: Man, I hate to say it, but I think you're right about getting the digits. More and more, it seems that when we meet someone new at a bar or a gallery opening or a show at First Ave, there are few to no parting words at the end of the night. Even if the two of you hit it off like Miguel Cabrera and a fastball, phone numbers rarely exchange hands.

Instead, we wake up the next morning to what? You already know what I'm going to say: a Facebook friend request. This is not a terrible thing -- Facebook is a great way to get to know people because it shows us everything we have in common with the people in our social circles (at least as far as FB's creepy algorithm can detect). But some guys use a thoughtless approach and wonder why they get no results. Since you seem to be aware of Facebook's usefulness as a dating tool, I'll give you a few tips on how best to make the first move.

Make your profile picture recognizable.

Sounds like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised. No one can tell you from your uncle in that cropped pic from your Breckenridge vacay, especially since everyone is wearing hats and goggles. Also, if your photos are private, all the ladies can see is one thumbnail. Pick a flattering headshot in which you're smiling. No mirrors, no abs, no ex-girlfriends.

Send a friend request with a note.

Requests should be sent within two days of meeting someone, because it's easy to forget names and Facebook is a very big place. A reminder is also helpful, so write a specific message. "It was great meeting you at Megan's birthday party, how about we chat about mitochondrial disorders again soon?" should work (if applicable). Spelling and grammar count, unless you're trying to impress the ladies with your knowledge of how fifth-graders text each other.

Once a girl accepts the request and responds to your message, keep her interested. If you have a random friend in common, ask how she knows that person. Riff from there, focusing on other mutual interests without being interrogative. People enjoy talking about themselves, but too many questions feel like an intrusion.

One tactic, which can be used in any situation where you're trying to gain acceptance from another person, is to come up with a handful of questions and/or observations with which she will agree. Even something as banal as the weather works: "I can't remember the last time October was so warm and sunny, isn't it awesome?" Just make sure you have more than one or two ideas in your arsenal. Bringing up warm weather and the movie "Drive" (ladies love Ryan Gosling) isn't enough to make another person think they have a lot in common with you. Use your mutual interests and surroundings and comment on them to create a sense of familiarity. This is also very effective in person, when people tend to feel more vulnerable around new people.

Be clear in your intentions.

Once a few messages have been exchanged, ask when she's free for that disease discussion because you'd like to treat her to dinner and drinks. If she says yes, then gear up for full-on first-date mode. If she turns you down, at least you have one more Facebook friend.