Q: When is it appropriate to caution a friend about her significant other or fiancé maybe being gay? I have had several friends through the years who have dated and even married people whom I was fairly certain played for the other team. I never said a word, because I felt like it wasn't my place. Ultimately, at least two of these friends have gotten married and later gotten divorced as their partners came out of the closet. So I do think my gaydar is in full working order.
Recently, it's happened again. I was talking to a girlfriend who said "If I am ever in that situation, dear God please tell me." And I said the same thing about myself. But do you think it's ever really appropriate to bring up? And if so ... um ... what would be the best way to do it?
--Gaydar Gayle
A: If you strongly suspect a friend's boyfriend is gay, and you're close enough to her that your heart would have sympathy pains if hers got broken, then you've got the green light from me to say something. In fact, if the two of you are closer than Poppa and Puff, you're pretty much obligated to speak your piece, regardless of how you think your message will be received.
As with all kinds of brutal honesty, though, be prepared for some backlash. If she's really into this guy -- which is all the more reason for you to say something -- then she's going to defend the relationship pretty strongly. From her perspective, you're not just criticizing her ability to recognize a gay man when she sees one, you're criticizing an important choice she's made. Let's face it: Even when we know deep down that a relationship is BS, we still do our damnedest to convince everyone (including ourselves) that we made the right decision.
Before you call your girl and set up that fateful meeting over happy hour sushi and shiraz, you need to make absolutely sure that your gaydar is on point. One of the best ways to do that is to enlist the help of one or more of your own gays. Arrange a dinner, cocktail hour or karaoke night to get everyone together. Afterward, ask your gay pals if they suspect your girl's new man might be a fellow friend of Dorothy. Having an expert in the field confirm your suspicions goes a long way. Also, if your girlfriend confides to you that her man was making homophobic remarks on the car ride home, that's a warning flag. Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard ... turns out some of the most outspoken anti-gay activists prefer the company of men. (Note to Fred Phelps: We can't wait to see what skeletons are hiding in your closet.)
Speaking of closets, does this guy have reason to be in one? A conservative family or high-profile job might be forcing him to keep his sexual identity on the down-low. How physically affectionate is he toward your friend? Does she complain about their sex life? A tendency to avoid sex from the beginning of the relationship could indicate he's gay.
And don't discount the possibility that he's bisexual. While you're likely to encounter more bi chicks than dudes, boys who swing both ways are out there. Your friend might already know her man sometimes likes other men, and she might think it's not anyone else's business.
