Adoption meaningful, but no fairy tale

A Sunday newspaper exclusive on teens aging out of foster care was posted online today. The following is a sidebar by authors Jeremy Olson and Jim Spencer regarding adoption and how it presents its own challenges for children who have been stuck in foster care.

http://www.startribune.com/local/115385934.html

Adoption by two mothers seemed ideal for Rob, a Minnesota youth who had clashed with foster fathers and was abused by an uncle.

It started so well that he was selected to speak to parents considering other adoptions. But after fights last fall, he had to leave his mothers' home. Rob, 19, drifted from shelters to a run-down van until he was placed in a dorm for former foster children.

"Had he stayed, he would have pushed it and pushed it until we couldn't be a family any more," said one mother, who wanted only her son's first name used because of the proximity of the birth family.

Adoption is the preferred goal for children stuck in Minnesota's foster care system, but it isn't a fairy tale. Teens who haven't been adopted often have disabilities or behavior problems, as well as anger and mistrust from years of waiting for permanent homes.

"You might get a 16-year-old who is 10 years old emotionally," said Lydia Kittleson, a parent recruiter for Minnesota's Waiting Children. "Picture-perfect scenarios,'' she said, are rare. "You redefine success. When the kid comes to you to talk instead of punching the wall, that's success."

Research suggests the effort to adopt is nonetheless worth it, because children who "age out" of foster care suffer high rates of unemployment, lawlessness and homelessness.

Adopted three days before she turned 18, Jessica Brandl-Hewitt said it made a difference. She had been in foster care since age 11, when she was removed from her drug-addicted mother's home.

"Adoption promises me that I will always have someone there, that I do matter in the world," she said. "If I hadn't been adopted, I probably would have gone down the road my birth mom did."

Rob doesn't live with his mothers, but they talk with him daily, bring him groceries and help him prepare for life as an independent adult.

As one mother said, "It doesn't mean we're not a family anymore."