A holiday letter for these times

By FRANK CERABINO, Cox Newspapers

December 22, 2011 at 3:34AM
300 dpi Chris Ware color illustration of Christmas letter with photo included. For counting down the days til Christmas; Day 29. Lexington Herald-Leader 2007<p> 29 letter cards card mail note tradition christmas countdown illustration days til 10000000, 12000000, 10011000, FEA, krtholiday holiday, LEI, public holiday, 12025004, religious event, rite, ritual, 12014000, 12014001, krtchristianity christianity, krtchristmas christmas, krthanukkah hanukkah chanukkah, krtjudaism judaism jewish jew, kr
300 dpi Chris Ware color illustration of Christmas letter with photo included. For counting down the days til Christmas; Day 29. Lexington Herald-Leader 2007 29 letter cards card mail note tradition christmas countdown illustration days til 10000000, 12000000, 10011000, FEA, krtholiday holiday, LEI, public holiday, 12025004, religious event, rite, ritual, 12014000, 12014001, krtchristianity christianity, krtchristmas christmas, krthanukkah hanukkah chanukkah, krtjudaism judaism jewish jew, krtwinter winter, krtxmas xmas, religious festival, religious holiday, krtfeatures features, krtlifestyle lifestyle, krtnational national, krtreligion religion, krtworld world, leisure, LIF, REL, krt, mctillustration 2007, krt2007, lx contributor coddington ware mct mct2007, lx contributed (Mct/The Minnesota Star Tribune)

It's that time of year when distant friends treat you to a synopsis of their lives for the past year. These holiday letters are tricky to write under the best of circumstances.

But this year, they're particularly thorny, now that America seems to be divided into two camps: the 99 percent and the 1 percent.

About half the people have spiritually aligned themselves with those struggling in today's economy, while the rest have hitched their aspirations and loyalties to the upper crust. Writing a holiday letter under these easy-to-offend circumstances is braving a literary minefield.

If you pen a plaintive narrative that puts you among the dispirited working class, you'll be unfairly painted as a socialist trying to ruin America. Come off as too triumphant, unscathed by economic woes, and you'll come off looking like a soulless, Trumpian ogre.

So I have taken the trouble to write you a one-size-fits-all holiday letter that takes into account the divergent worldviews of your distant friends. Sure, you'll have to stretch the truth a little, but that's a core element of these holiday letters anyway.

Simply circle the choice among the words in parentheses to customize your letter for recipients who align themselves with either the 99 or the 1 percent.

* * *

Dear friends:

We didn't want to let the year go by without (sharing/trickling down) some holiday cheer.

Just the other day, as we were (occupying/shopping on) the Avenue, we thought of all our friends in this time of (economic insecurity/seasonal joy). And being amid all those (protesters/decorations) drove us to a higher sense of (purpose/purchase).

See the enclosed photo of us (outside/inside) Van Cleef and Arpels. That's my wife (holding/wearing) the ("Corporations are not people" sign/diamond necklace) we were (waving/buying).

We hadn't felt this good since we got our (tent pitched/Herman Cain book autographed) at the (protest/fundraiser) last month.

In other news, we are so proud of our son, who started his (sign spinning/law) practice this year at a (sidewalk/firm) on Okeechobee Boulevard. We thought he'd never pass (a/the) bar, but he did it!

The other big news of the year was that our daughter got married. She is as (unemployed/beautiful) as ever, and no matter how old she gets, she'll still be our little (dependent/girl). However, the wedding does mean we might eventually expect (an empty bedroom again/a grandchild). We can't wait.

We are more than a little (worried about/proud of) our new son-in-law because he is a (public schoolteacher/job outsourcer). So you know he'll be (underpaid/busy) as he helps (American kids/Indian kids) succeed in this global economy.

If ever you have the urge to visit South Florida, please know that you're welcome to stay with us. We recommend you get here while the (foreclosure/weather) is still (pending/mild).

* *

Frank Cerabino writes for the Palm Beach Post.

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about the writer

FRANK CERABINO, Cox Newspapers