18 Places My Mind Wandered While Watching 'Battleship'

Abandon ship. Photo: Universal Pictures

1) "Waterworld." "Sphere." Soderbergh's "Solaris." The last act of "The Abyss." Water and science fiction Do Not Mix.

2) Since the aliens look remarkably like humans, why do they need a Terminator-style heads-up display to differentiate us from pieces of technological hardware?

3) Do the body armor designers on Planet G play a lot of "Halo"? These alien troopers look a lot like Master Chief. 4) If the big spaceships can fly across galaxies, why can they only hop like water bugs on Earth? 5) How can we only be 40 minutes into the first act? 6) Why does the Giant Spinning Alien Buzzsaw Fireball of Doom stop dead in its tracks, pause, analyze, and change course when that Little League kid stands in its path? Other than to keep the movie PG-13? 7) If Brooklyn Decker was the deli sandwich she sounds like, the main ingredient would be bologna. 8) Isn't "sensitive to sunlight" just about the laziest alien Achilles Heel ever? 9) Waitwaitwait, the alien invaders come in spacecraft with impossibly strong heat shielding and shock absorption, but the windshield is just regular glass? 10) When stern Adm. Liam Neeson lectures screwup Lt. Taylor Kitsch about wasted talent, is that what they mean by "meta"? 11) Do Pearl Harbor's WWII museum ships really have full fuel tanks and stacks of live 1940s artillery shells lying around? 12) When Rihanna blasted that alien standing beside Kitsch point blank with a deck-mounted turret cannon, why was Kitsch not deafened for life? 13) Why is this movie funnier when it's trying to be serious than when it's trying to be funny? 14) I get it that this is a $200 million Navy recruiting video so everyone in uniform has to drip testosterone (including Rihanna) but must all scientists be scrawny bearded nerds and all government types namby pamby losers? 15) If an admiral refuses a direct command and tells the Secretary of Defense to "Kiss my epaulettes," doesn't he get in some kind of trouble? Like a detention? 16) Props to the old Navy vets who do the Slow Walk and save the day, but that German pensioner who stood up to Loki in "The Avengers" was way braver. 17) What was the towel budget on this thing? 18) Hey, are they using this hidden scene after the end credits to set up a sequBWAH HA HA HA OOO AAAH BOY THAT IS HILARIOUS! For a blow-by-blow review -- yes, "Battleship" blows -- look here.