Your career is going along fine, but you still feel you have not met your expectations

Q: I have a successful career but it falls short of the expectations I set for myself years ago. I can't help but feel disappointed and embarrassed by that, even though I like what I'm doing. What should I do?

Martha, 44, development officer

A: The root of your problem lies in bonding so firmly to an unknowable future that you can't accept the present.

This is a bit of a confusing situation emotionally. You consider yourself successful, yet in your disappointment feel that you're not successful. And liking what you do doesn't fully give you a feeling of success. Let's untangle this.

Make a list of all of the ways you can think of that success can be measured in the world. Here are some starters: money, power, fame, making a difference in the environment, helping others, making your family proud … it can go on and on. Be as extensive as you can even if you find them unappealing.

Using the list, note the success measures that reflect your beliefs. Then consider the fit of your current position against those measures. Challenge yourself to notice if some aspects of your current role resonate more with success measures that you may not be as comfortable with.

Now, recalling your point of view in your earlier years, think about what may have changed. For example, maybe social responsibility was a driving force and your current role has drifted from that. Or it may be the opposite — you'd envisioned a high-flying career and now you are in a lower key role.

Think about this as well: Do you feel that you deserve to be happy? If you have an underlying sense that what you've accomplished is never enough and that you always need to be striving for something else, satisfaction will remain elusive.

Also consider whether your definition of success in life is balanced. We aren't just our jobs, important though that aspect can be. Even if you determine that you've "settled" in terms of your work, what will it take to accept that — at least for now — and move forward? Consider whether the rest of your life brings you satisfaction and if some of the trade-offs have been worth it.

Try focusing more on others to take the pressure off yourself. What are ways you can give back, professionally or personally? Mentor others in the workplace, and if you've made mistakes, help others learn so they can avoid them.

If you still need some self-forgiveness, think forward 20 years. Can you imagine that you really know now what your 64-year-old self will value and need? Recognizing this, give your 24-year-old self a pass on not having a crystal ball. Take where you are now, treat it as a gift, benefit from the positives, and let go of the "might have beens." This will help you grow and flourish as you continue through your career and the other aspects of your life.