Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.
RN: I know the following statement is going to hurl me, willy-nilly, smack dab into Oldmanland, but, oy, my aching back.
CP: You and me both, codger. When you sign up for the Relax the Back store credit card, it's a watershed decision. And not in a good way.
RN: Last week at the mall, I seriously considered shedding what little dignity I still retain and parking it for 15 minutes with one of those chair-massage guys.
CP: If I had passed by while you were undergoing the procedure, which often seems to include drooling through that headpiece thingy, I would have pretended not to know you.
RN: I understand. My main hesitation was fear-based, as I mulled the repercussions of stepping out on the 23-year relationship I have with my gifted massage therapist. He and my genius of a chiropractor are the only two reasons why I remain mobile and, as such, I feel it is important to remain faithful.
CP: For many years, I thought chiropracty was in a class with chiromancy, or bleeding by leeches.
RN: I know. I used to hear the word "chiropractor" and my mind would immediately flash to the Melanie-giving-birth scene in "Gone With the Wind," where Prissy thoughtfully suggests placing a knife under the bed, to cut the pain in two.
CP: Then I put myself in the hands of Dr. Bob during a bad spell with my sacroiliac. Total convert.
RN: Same here. I fully expect him to part the waters of Lake Calhoun.
CP: Do you remember springing out of bed without a care?
RN: During the Nixon Administration, yes.
CP: Dear younger readers: Enjoy it, because it doesn't last.
RN: Another message of hope from Mr. Glass Half Empty.
CP: No, I just hate to see the young running about in a state of insufficient joy at their physical vigor.
RN: I can hear the voice of several yoga instructors saying, "Taking a yoga class is like visiting the chiropractor." Do you agree?
CP: Sadly, no. After 18 months of yoga so intense that I occasionally levitated, I had to face the fact that my chiropractic bill exceeded my Core Power membership fees. Quitting the sweaty mat was not easy, but my back is happier than a swallow on the wing.
RN: I am clearly doing something wrong, as every time I turned to Urdhva Mukha Svanasana — which sounds so much more impressive than Upward Facing Dog — I was mentally calculating the dollars I would later be dropping at CVS on Doan's pills.
CP: Doan's? OK, my dad.
RN: See what I mean about the bad back/old guy connection?
CP: He did have chronic back issues, but back then they would put him in traction. Yikes, and pray it doesn't come to that.
RN: Wow, traction. Isn't that the most evil-sounding word in the English language?
CP: Totes. Here's wishing you a spinally correct holiday season and strong-core New Year.
E-mail: witheringglance@startribune.com
Twitter: @claudepeck and @RickNelsonStrib