Ticket to Ride is what these clowns deserve

It is traditional at this time of the year to take stock, to examine the future and learn from the past; a time to make new friends and dispense with those you no longer can tolerate.

What if you could gather up a few of those irritating people and send them packing on the next Greyhound? That's what I plan to do through the magic of a simple literary device.

This is a segment we'll call "Ticket to Ride." I'm offering free metaphorical bus tickets out of Minnesota to people I found objectionable, immoral or just plain un-Minnesotan in 2010. Here, in no particular order, is the short list:

The Minnesota Vikings. The team's picaresque season, from Brett Favre's alleged sexting to Jenn Sterger, to the emblematic collapse of the Metrodome, made the state the laughingstock of the nation. This team had so many shifting characters and Byzantine plot twists that it read like a novel by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Guys, tune your iPods to the hit single by Cee Lo Green to hear how many fans feel about you, and get on the bus. You are headed for California, where even Hollywood writers will have a hard time believing your plot, but you will see a serious improvement in the cheerleading corps.

Everyone who funded, concocted, produced and aired political attack ads this year. I often wonder how political operatives who do opposition research tell their children what they do for a job:

"Well, sweetie, when a person who is probably generally decent disagrees with my candidate on a few issues, my job is to make them look like an evil, deranged drunkard obsessed with ruining this country. I paint their faces green on billboards and imply they are either a commie or a Nazi. Now, say your prayers and go to sleep."

There is a Greyhound waiting for you, so pack up your dirty tricks and rent a conscience because you have a one-way ticket out of Hooterville.

You will be sitting together on the bus, and you will be served a meal from Sutton's faux Mexican restaurant chain. Enjoy the frijoles. Tom Horner will drive, to make sure the bus stays in the middle of the road to the state border. Because it will be a long trip, George Pillsbury will pick up the tab. Your destination: A warm place in hell.

Rep. Michele Bachmann. You have to give the Republicans credit for their sense of humor in naming her to the Intelligence Committee, but given Bachmann's difficulty with facts, it's hard to believe they will be handing over top secret information to her. Look for Bachmann to use her position to talk about wild government takeover theories and dubious foreign threats, which she will then refuse to discuss further because they are secret.

Polifact.com, a Pulitzer winner for its work checking the truth of politicians' statements, looked at 13 of Bachmann's most controversial statements. None was true. Five rated a "pants on fire" designation.

Here's your ticket, Bachmann. You're going to Palm Springs. Of course, we are lying through our teeth. You are going to Mississippi, where you will thrive in a no-tax, no-services, no-education state.

Rep. Jim Oberstar. It is only fitting that a transportation czar get a ticket on Greyhound, which started in his district. He religiously brought the pork back home, but after 35 years -- yes, 35 -- he was as imperious as the rest, and voters noticed. He was simply outhustled by Chip Cravaack. If you had retired a decade ago, Jimbo, you'd have a suitcase full of victories to lug along on your trip, but at least you are benefiting a Minnesota-made business this time.

Denny Hecker. You had to see this coming. Hecker beat out stiff competition for most annoying Minnesotan of the year by repeatedly flipping off the court system. Hecker hid money and lived large on stolen loot with the help of his band of vulgarians. In which alternate universe do you people live?

You're all getting a ticket on the bus, destination Leavenworth.

Upon arrival, Hecker will be welcomed with a bottle of sparkling catawba juice to share with his new roommate, Bubba.

Happy New Year, everybody.