This is not a holiday. This is a cruel piece of calendrical torture, based on a falsehood, steeped in ignorance, and lightly sprinkled with shaved, frozen tears. Rather than speak a word about it or utter the name of that fat sack of prognostication, we should just watch the movie again. It's a perfect movie, and views the day with the contempt it deserves.

Why does this day exist? Wikipedia is helpful, as always: "According to folklore, if it is cloudy when a groundhog emerges from its burrow on this day, then the spring season will come early; if it is sunny, the groundhog will supposedly see its shadow and retreat back into its den, and winter weather will persist for six more weeks."

Uh huh. Also, according to folklore, a thin paste of lead and mustard cures toothaches. There are poems involved, of course: If Candlemas be fair and bright / Winter has another flight. If Candlemas brings clouds and rain / Winter will not come again."

It rhymes, which is your guarantee of empirically-proven conclusions.

It matters where the creature lives, of course. Weather is a complex global system, and the prevailing conditions in Pennsylvania are unlikely to have an effect on Minnesotans. Or anyone else. Or even Pennsylvanians. So there are many local observances, with creatures like Chesapeake Chuck, Staten Island Chuck, Buckeye Chuck, Octorara Orphie, Shubenacadie Sam, and Nibbles. To name a few.

Now for the sad part where scientists have to take this seriously.

It's not without drama. One year the groundhog bit Mayor Bloomberg; the next year Mike chewed its leg off, spat it out and addressed the crowd by howling gibberish from his grue-strewn mouth. Okay, no, not that last part. But this is true:

They make it sound like Chuck had a restraining order on Bill.

Anyway. This is the real indicator of winter's duration.

Do you see this? Then there will be more winter.