I’m king of the world! Admire me! Throw laurels at me! Bedeck my heck with garlands! Name your kids after me! Place Zod behind me in the list of people to whom you should kneel! I won! I won! I - hey, who’s that?

  

 

 GUESS THE SUBJECT The Cheesegrater, the Walkie-Talkie, the Can of Ham, and of course the Gherkin. The last one might give it away. Hint: half of them were probably demolished by Khan.

 

HUMAN INTERACTION IMPROVED Yes, thanks to this new type of drinking glass, people may make eye contact once again. More likely they will spill beer everywhere. Or ask for wine. It’s a nice reminder, though: unless you are expecting a text whose importance reaches the level of “your transplant organ is now available, but the dry ice keeping it cold is beginning to deteriorate” then you don’t need to check your phone every minute.

 

The Offline Glass from Mauricio Perussi on Vimeo.

 

THAT’LL LEARN HIM He’ll learn that authority is capricious as it is witless, I mean. That’s the lesson he’ll take away, if he remembers anything at all. Probably not. From the WaPo:

Calvert County school officials on Friday denied a request to clear the school record of a 5-year-old boy who was suspended for bringing a cowboy-style cap gun onto a school bus last month.

The kindergartner, who tucked the orange-tipped toy gun inside his backpack so that he could show it to a friend, was suspended May 29 for 10 days. After a disciplinary conference that scaled back his punishment to three days, he returned to Dowell Elementary School in Lusby.

First of all, I’ll have to make a note to drop by the sporting goods store and get me one of those Cowboy-Style guns. Just walk in and ask for something Cowboy-Style and they’ll wave you over to special case and if you’re lucky the clerk will use a Slim Pickins voice during the transaction and call you Podner.

Second, the orange tip means it’s fake. Third, wouldn’t you want the school’s policy on contacting parents not to consist entirely of “oh, eventually”?

The incident highlighted concerns about the length of time in which parents are notified of school offenses. The mother said she was called more than two hours after the bus ride. The boy was questioned without a parent and uncharacteristically wet himself, she said.

School officials said that the incident was handled appropriately and that the child was questioned for five to seven minutes. Calvert officials did not respond to requests for comment Friday.

Of course they didn’t! They rarely do. Schools always clam up when someone calls from the media to ask about some example of cranial calcification like this 

On the other hand: here’s a school responding to a parent’s complaint with proper alacrity. Read “The photo that broke a mother’s heart,” and see if it doesn’t do the same for you.

 

HEY YOU Today’s gratuitous use of the internet headline cliche:

BARATUNDE THURSTON LEFT THE INTERNET FOR 25 DAYS, AND YOU SHOULD TOO.

The article is by Baratunde Thurston, who wants you to read his piece. On the Internet. Well, let’s see what he’s peddling.

I’m an author, consultant, speechifier, and cross-platform opiner on the digital life. My friends say I’m the most connected man in the world. And in 2012, I lived like a man running for president of the United States, planet Earth, and the Internet all at once.

Never heard of him. But he had a hectic year and tweeted a lot and took a lot of pictures and sent a lot of messages, so:

I considered fleeing to a remote island for a few weeks, but I realized I wasn’t craving physical escape. I didn’t actually want to be alone. I just wanted to be mentally free of obligations, most of which asserted themselves in some digital fashion. I decided to stay still, find an Airbnb residence right in Brooklyn (technically homeless, remember?), and step back from digital interaction.Yes, me. The recipient of the 2011 Shorty Award for Foursquare Mayor of the Year would not check in. At least for a few weeks.

I KNOW! THE 2011 SHORTY AWARD WINNER! It’s amazing you guys but maybe if he can leave the internet for 25 days, you can too. If you want to. Totally your call. Anyway, here’s an interesting definition of “leaving the internet:

I didn’t want to completely abandon the Internet. I love, depend on, and frankly am made a better human being by the convenience of streaming movies, online food ordering, and Google Maps. I did not want to sever ties with friends; in fact, one of my goals was to strengthen relationships with pre-Facebook pals. I wanted to go to lunch, attend holiday parties, and host people for dinner. So I decided I could use my phone for personal calls and texts, and could schedule these encounters with Google Calendar.

Detox AND you can still drink? Awesome! I recommend the article for three reasons:

1. The picture of the author looking into the future while holding a quill pen

2. A logistical account of the process of leaving the internet, which makes the Normandy Invasion look like jumping over a puddle

3. The flowersthat infest the browser window until the piece is unreadable.

 

 

Any more of this and the internet won’t be something you leave as much as something that just drives you away.