Are you ready for the hardest holiday movie quiz you’ve ever taken? Too bad. This one’s so easy there’s no excuse for not getting everything right. Consider it our gift to you.
1. In “It’s a Wonderful Life,” which correctly describes the system of cause-and-effect in heaven?
A) When a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
B) When a bell rings, an angel gets its wings, plus a side of Kickin’ Buffalo sauce for dipping.
C) When a clock chimes, an angel gets a lunch break, as pursuant to the Workplace Conditions clause of the Contract between God and the Celestial Guardians Union Local 302, section B, codicil 32, amended and adopted on this day in 14023 B.C.
2. What did Frosty the Snowman say every time he put on the hat?
A) Happy Birthday!
B) Merry Seasonal Holiday!
C) Kissin’ your grits and Rankin’ your Bass, I’m Frosty the S, and I’m headin’ to Mass!
D) He wakes! He wakes! Make ready!
3. Most people think the song “White Christmas” was premiered in a movie of the same name, but it was first sung in which movie?
A) “Motel 6.”
B) “Embassy Suites Extended-Stay Residence.”
C) “Bing Crosby’s Radisson Blu Revue.”
D) “Holiday Inn.”
4. In the beloved Christmas classic “Die Hard,” which John McClane quip did not become a holiday slogan?
A) “Yippee ki yay, Ebenezer!”
B) “It’s beginning to look a lot like Punchmas!”
C) “I’m gonna deck the halls — with your face!”
5. How many versions of “A Christmas Carol” have been filmed?
A) Three hundred and forty-seven.
B) Nine thousand and three.
C) Are we counting sitcom skits, like on Carol Burnett? You know, the one where Tim Conway was Jacob Marley and he made Harvey Korman laugh?
D) Forty-five, not counting the inevitable “A Very Minion Christmas Carol.”
6. What does the Ghost of Christmas Future show to Scrooge to horrify him and make him repent?
A) His license-tabs renewal form — from six months ago.
B) His Visa bill for the coming January.
C) His tombstone.
D) A picture of Tiny Tim using his skull as a soccer ball.
7. In “A Christmas Story,” what does Ralphie’s mother say about him getting a BB gun?
A) He will use the memories of the request to write a story that will be made into a movie.
B) He will exact revenge in a chilling reign of terror.
C) He will shoot his eye out.
8. When Rudolph is born and Santa comes to visit, what happens?
A) Santa takes note of the bare cave in which his employee lives and breaks down in tears, apologizing for the living conditions.
B) Santa sees the infant Rudolph’s nose glow, and falls on his knees in wonder, promising to guard the young reindeer from the taunts and abuse of his bullying peers.
C) Santa sings a song about himself and how he’s the “King of Ring-a-ling,” then tells the parents to cover up their newborn’s deformity, because it disgusts him.
9. In “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” what is Yukon Cornelius searching for?
A) A passage to India.
B) Light sweet benchmark crude.
C) Peppermint, which explains why he always licks his pickax. (When the search for a peppermint mine was removed from the final edit, it made his pickax-licking seem odd.)
10. In “Arthur Christmas,” a 2011 animated Christmas comedy, what is Arthur’s problem?
A) He’s endearingly clumsy and afraid of reindeer.
B) His super-capable brother has turned Christmas into a brisk, efficient, technological marvel.
C) Not enough people realize that this is one of the best Christmas movies made.
1. A) When a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
2. A) Happy Birthday!
3. D) “Holiday Inn.”
4. None of the above. (It’s not really a Christmas movie.)
5. D) Forty-five, not counting the inevitable “A Very Minion Christmas Carol.”
6. C) His tombstone.
7. C) He will shoot his eye out. Although A) — He will use the memories of the request to write a story that will be made into a movie — is also acceptable.
8. C) Santa sings a song about himself and how he’s the “King of Ring-a-ling,” then tells the parents to cover up their newborn’s deformity, because it disgusts him. Because Santa is just a jerk in this one.
9. C) Peppermint, which explains why he always licks his pickax. (When the search for a peppermint mine was removed from the final edit, it made his pickax-licking seem odd.)
10. All of the above. Rent it and see if you don’t agree.
James Lileks • 612-673-7858 • @Lileks