Teammates' visit puts end to Favre's waitin' and wafflin'

The Star Tribune managed to embed a reporter among the waitstaff at the Favre Manor in Hattiesburg, Miss.

According to our undercover correspondent, here is how the scene unfolded Tuesday:

Brett Favre leans back in the lounge chair he whittled from one of the longleaf pine trees on his estate. Steve Hutchinson massages Favre's shoulders. Ryan Longwell bends over Favre's feet, applying purple paint to his toenails. Jared Allen peels another grape.

Favre shakes off Hutchinson's hands and leans forward. "Y'all know what?" he says. "I was gonna retire. In fact, later today I was gonna send y'all a bunch of texts telling y'all that I was done, and that my last football goal is to teach that quarterback at Oak Grove High -- you know, whatshisname -- how to celebrate after he throws a TD. You know, runnin' around and wavin' your finger and whatnot.

"Yup, I was gonna text ya. That's how we announce retirements down here. That's how General Lee surrendered at Appomattox. He sent Grant a text.

"But this ..." -- and here Favre points at Hutchinson, Longwell and Allen the way he would point out blitzers at the line of scrimmage -- "has changed my mind.

"See, I was pretty much done with the football thing. I mean, it was a tough decision: Play for six months and make, like, $20 million, or mow the lawn for free?

"No, really. Stop laughin'. Shut up and peel me another grape, Jarel.

"I'm serious, it's a tough decision. I mean, I got a really big lawn, and I can't trust it to just anyone. And them catfishes ain't gonna catch themselves.

"I'm tellin' ya, I was done. Just because I had the best season of my life last year wearin' purple and the fans love me and the offensive coordinator lets me do whatever I want and the head coach -- what do you call him, 'Chitlin?' -- pretty much stays out of my way because he knows I got Zygi on speed dial ...

"I mean, just because it's the best situation a quarterback could ask for -- veteran team, Super Bowl-caliber talent, generous owner, great skill-position players, a locker room that loves me -- doesn't mean I was comin' back. Nah, I meant it when I sent those texts.

"You gotta understand how much my ankle hurts. I mean, yeah, I can ride a mountain bike, and, yeah, I can practice football with high schoolers, and, yeah, I can run up and down the stadium steps while wearing a weighted vest, but I'm telling ya, my ankle kills me when I have to do something really strenuous. Like practice in Mankato. Or play for less than $20 million.

"Here's the good news: I won't make y'all do this again next year.

"I mean, I know last year I had that arm surgery, and that kept me from showin' up until the Tuesday before the second preseason game, and this year I had that ankle surgery and that kept me from showin' up until the Tuesday before the second preseason game, but next year things will be different.

"Next year, I'm gonna have aromatherapy that will keep me from showin' up until the Tuesday before the second preseason game.

"I think aromatherapy is a good idea. See, a few of my friends have told me they're worried about me, that I'm showin' signs of being whaddayacallit, a narcissist.

"There's even that one jerk writer in Minneapolis who keeps callin' me a diva and a drama queen. He calls me OCB -- Ol' Crazy Brett -- like there's somethin' wrong with me.

"That's it. Just thinkin' about it, I quit. I retire. I'm done. Y'all head on back up there without me.

"OK, I didn't mean that. I just use 'retire' the way Rex Ryan uses that other word. Noun, verb, adjective, conversation-starter. It's just a big part of my vocabulary.

"No, I'm not really retirin'. Never was. I just like all the attention those suckers at ESPN give me. Makes a homeboy feel warm inside, to get that kind of butt-kissin'.

"I gotta tell ya, though, it was the massage and pedicure that made this an easy decision.

"Thanks for coming down here, boys. And Langfellow, ol' buddy, I just got one more thing to say to you:

"Use your palm when you rub my foot. Your fingertips tickle."

Jim Souhan can be heard at 10-noon Sunday on 1500ESPN. His Twitter name is SouhanStrib. jsouhan@startribune.com