Taking a can-do approach toward self-confidence

Job interview? Sales pitch? Big date? How you see the situation can affect how it goes.

Psychologists know that when you change how you perceive a challenging situation, how you present it to yourself, your performance can improve.

Low-confidence people approach challenging situations with the expectation they might fail, said Jessyca Arthur-Cameselle, a psychologist and consultant at the Center for Performance Excellence at Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., who presents confidence-building workshops around the country.

"If you walk in thinking it's not going to work, that increases tension," she said. "Then you actually don't come across well. It's self-fulfilling."

Conversely, confidence flows from success, said Adam Price, a psychologist with offices in New York and New Jersey. And success comes from failure — trying, learning and trying again.

"Become a fearless mistake-maker," Price said, "knowing that each mistake pushes you further down the road to success."

Performance confidence rests on your tolerance for uncertainty. When you try something new, you have to tolerate the anxiety of not knowing how things will work out.

Instead, think rationally. Focus on facts. Remember past accomplishments: a date laughing at your joke, positive feedback after a work presentation, an athletic endeavor in which you achieved your goal. Dig deeper to create a complete mental picture of your best performances.

To help, keep a file of positive notes and thank-you letters you receive. When someone compliments you, write it down and toss it in the file. When you doubt yourself, dip into your file. Athletes, musicians and actors can pull out videos of their best performances.

Here are some other tips:

• Practice imagery. Before you go into the job interview — or stand up to make a speech or step up to the first tee or whatever — think about yourself performing well. What does it look like? What are the results? How does it feel to hit a solid golf shot or close that sales pitch? Imagine it going the way you want. Linger in that mental picture. Studies show imagery stimulates neural pathways in the same way that actually doing the task does.

• Find a model similar to your ability level. Watch someone near your ability give a presentation successfully or interact smoothly socially.

• Focus on what you can control. You can't make a client place an order, but you can do killer research and preparation.

• Reframe your bad experiences as lessons: "Now I know what to do differently."

• Imagine someone else doing what you're about to do and think about how you'd coach them. Then follow your own advice. To others, we speak more rationally, Arthur-Cameselle said. Show yourself the same courtesy.

• Try keeping an awareness journal. People often aren't aware of thoughts that trigger doubt and failure. They say anxiety comes out of nowhere. "Not likely," Arthur-Cameselle said. "The thought flashes across your mind so quickly that you don't realize it's there."

• Find helpful cue words or phrases that work for you. An athlete might think, "attack." A public speaker might think, "enjoy." "If you're repeating a word to yourself, it's hard to think negative thoughts," Arthur-Cameselle said. "There's no room."

"Every time you leave the party, you're teaching yourself you can't handle social interaction," Arthur-Cameselle said. "Avoidance works, to reduce anxiety, for a short time. Then it limits your life.