OK, OK, I admit it. I’m high-maintenance.
I may look like your average Minnesota blonde in cutoffs and a sweater, with tousled hair and tan legs, but you know what? It’s not exactly an organic “I woke up like this” situation.
I fought it for a long time. “Oh, I’m, like, totally low-maintenance,” I’d say. “I can pack a bag in five minutes. I don’t need anything but some mascara.”
It’s a lie. I can pack a bag in five minutes, of course, and it takes me approximately six minutes to get ready to face the day. But it’s a highly calculated method of beautifying, thanks to a handful of treatments I get done on the reg to present a pretty face to the world. I have no qualms admitting that a lot of me is enhanced by what some naysayers might call “fake stuff.” I call it fun, so we’ll agree to disagree.
You see this blonde hair? Well, it was painstakingly highlighted to mimic the shade of North Dakota wheat in August. Maybe the money would be better spent paying off my student loans more aggressively, but at this point I’m resigned to the fact that my personal happiness and sanity are more important than interest rates.
If I learned anything in psychology classes in college, it’s that you can always blame your parents for your addictions. So this whole Kim Kardashian regime of beauty products and services is totally my mom’s fault. Yep.
Nothing makes me happier than spending a few hours at the salon, or wandering around the beauty aisles at Target. I’ve always had a fascination with the world of beauty. Blame the aforementioned mom, who stockpiled makeup and hoarded perfume and totally laid the groundwork for her daughter’s obsession. So here are five ways that being high-maintenance actually makes me kind of low-maintenance.
The perfect point
I get my nails done twice a month at T-Luxe Nails (5810 W. 36th St., St. Louis Park, 952-582-1767, tluxenails.com). Although the process of filling and fancifying acrylic nails is arduous at times, it’s worth it, because my nails always look perfect. They don’t chip. They don’t break. I don’t go out for coffee with someone worrying that they’re focusing on my gnawed-up nails. Instead, they’re like, “Wow, you’re pretty much Rihanna, aren’t you?”
I wake up looking like a Disney princess (with acne scars) because of fluttery lash extensions. It’s impossible for men not to be entranced by me when I awaken from my nap, fluttering a pair of mink lashes at them.
If you’re looking to invest in the one way to up your prettiness 100 percent, lash extensions are the way to do it. I get mine at Jett Makeup (3940 W. 50th St., Edina, 952-856-4888, jettmakeup.com). You honestly wake up looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, whatever that means. It’s a good thing, I know.
Spray it on
Spray tans make you look like a perfectly filtered version of yourself. They cover up all those weird bruises that come out of nowhere, the age spots and the cellulite. I get mine at Go Glow (3034 Lyndale Av. S., Mpls., 952-500-0458, goglow.co). As a result, I need to do 75 percent fewer pushups and squats now, because if you can’t tone it, tan it.
Blowouts: the ultimate lifesaver
Before I travel, I get my hair blown out so it looks perfect. When you have wavy hair, the daily outcome of your hair is a total crapshoot, and I’d rather arrive at my destination looking polished and pretty instead of a) frizzy, b) puffy, c) limp or d) humidity-huge. Remember that episode of “Friends” where they go to Barbados and Monica gets enormous hair? Your grandma probably got her hair “set” once or twice a week, and no one called her high-maintenance. It was just what you did. Let’s bring that tradition back and start sleeping sitting up again.
Wax on … and on … and on …
A perk of the regular bikini (or Brazilian) wax is that over time, your hair basically stops growing, so if you’ve been bracing yourself for the rrrrrrrrrrrip for as long as I have (seven years, my longest relationship), you don’t have to stop by the Refinery (321 14th Av. SE., Mpls., 612-331-9055, refinerympls.com) nearly as often. A Brazilian isn’t all that painful, but it’s still not exactly a meandering stroll around Loring Park.
Are you exhausted? It’s OK. It all sounds ridiculous, I know. But all this work actually saves me a ton of time — and lets me tag my selfies #iwokeuplikethis.
Kara Nesvig is a freelance writer and beauty blogger living in Minneapolis. Find her writing all over the Internet, especially at xoVain.com.