Isn't it just a joy to read the news these days? "Megalacorp, an Eden Prairie-based company you never knew existed which makes things you never thought about, announced today it would lay off 110 percent of its workforce, citing softening demand in its soft-serve ice cream and laundry softening divisions."
Sometimes you feel responsible, too. When the folks at Cost Plus (Motto: "Not Plus Enough, Apparently") announced that they were closing their World Market stores in Minnesota, I felt a twinge of guilt for not stopping there more often. I kept waiting for the day my wife handed me a shopping list that said, "Chair, wine, obscure English crackers," and it never happened.
If the news sounds bad, there are two reasons. 1) It is. 2) We have a limited number of words to describe these events, which lends the news a grim consistency. Jobs are either slashed or chopped. (In a mild recession they are trimmed, like nose hairs.) The British terms come to mind -- one is "given the sack," which means if your boss asks "paper or plastic," it's not going to be a good day.
When Ecolab culled its herd last week, the sackees were promptly put into taxis, so a headline could read "Megalocorp calls the cab for 800" or something equally descriptive. Certainly more poetic.
"Made redundant" is another British term, but it's an odd term, as if you're being fired for repeating yourself too often. "Laid off" sounds gentle, as if you were helped to a couch and given a blanket. "Liquidated," which is happening to Circuit City, brings to mind a covert assassination of a secret agent, or the conversion of the entire chain into a fluid they can pour down a sewer grate.
We need euphemisms that put events in a more positive context. "BankTrustCo enables 700 to get to know the mailman" or perhaps "National rate of people spending day in warm, comfortable bathrobe hits 16-year high."
Chop / slash / hack / cuts just makes the news sound like a Friday the 13th movie.
If only! Then just the good-looking teens having a party at the lake would have to worry.
jlileks@startribune.com 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/buzz
