Each week, commenter Rocket writes about hockey because we often times do not. This week, he tries his hand at political satire, which we presume will earn him plenty of angst-filled comments. Rocket? -----

Recently Tim Thomas actually got ESPN to pay attention to hockey for the only reason that ESPN ever pays attention to hockey: controversy. Thomas decided to skip the Boston Bruins' visit to the White House to be honored by President Obama. He stated on his Facebook page that, "I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People," and, "This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL." Some have derided Thomas as a Tea Party zealot whose claim that this wasn't about politics was as shallow as his GAA, where others have lauded Thomas for taking a brave stand despite the inevitable criticism.

(Above: Tim Thomas during a casual night at home) What most people don't know, however, is that Thomas really skipped the visit to have dinner with controversial former Fox News host Glenn Beck.* What neither Thomas nor Back knows is that I was able to obtain a transcript from the dinner. This is a totally true and absolutely accurate recitation of their conversation.** Tim Thomas: Hi Glenn, it's nice to meet you. I'm a big fan. This is a real honor. Glenn Beck: Honor. (dramatic pause) It's a word you don't hear that much anymore. It used to be what we are all about. But what happened? What happened to American honor? TT: I know, right? There was a time once when the US was on top of the world. But nowadays it seems like we have to settle for second place.

(Above: Warning America against the dangers of the claw people) GB: Oh, second place is the least of our worries, my friends. No, America has much bigger problems ahead of her. Our sweet land of liberty is facing a threat like we've never seen before. TT: (To himself) Friends? (To Beck) Hey, you know it's just me and you at this table, right? GB: Oh, there is a lot that I know. And there is a lot that I am going to share with you. Things you should – no – things you NEED to know before it's too late. TT: Yeah, this is what I am talking about. This is a message we all need to hear. GB: Folks, this isn't about politics. This isn't about ideology. (dramatically takes off glasses) TT: Totally! I tried to tell people that not going to the White House wasn't about politics. GB: This is about…(starts to tear up, voice starts to crack)…this is about the greatest threat our sweet union has ever faced! If we don't come together to face this evil, this purveyor of hate… TT: You've got to be talking about Obama, right? He's the one spreading all the hate. GB: …we may never know our chaste, beautiful America ever again. This could be the end, my friends. TT: I once thought I saw the end in a cab in Boston once. GB: I'm going to write something on this board that you're not going to want to see. But you need to see it. (dramatic pause) THE greatest threat to our way of life is…(writes on chalkboard G-A-R-Y-B-E-T-T-M-A-N). This man…(points toward blackboard)…this man, WITH KNOWN TIES TO THE NBA, is out to destroy who we are as a nation. TT: Dude, I'm pretty sure every hockey fan in America would elect you President right now.***

(Above: President of hockey?) * Thomas actually listed Beck in the Bruins media guide as the person with whom he would most like to have dinner. Adjust your fantasy team accordingly. ** "Totally true" and "absolutely accurate" in the same way as when Stu claims to have kissed a girl. *** (author's note) I just want to state for the record that I don't actually hate Gary Bettman as much as many hockey fans and that I think he doesn't get the credit he's due for bringing the league to a better place than it was in when he took over. That being said, I am clearly not above a cheap joke at his expense. Also, Stu is a [redacted].