It was confirmed last night by Twins PR guru Dustin Morse, via Twitter, that Joe Mauer and his wife Maddie, who were married Dec. 1, are expecting twins.
Because this subject will undoubtedly fascinate people for months and years to come -- and because the twins/Twins pun/joke machine will keep writing itself unless something is done -- we have attempted to put together a little guide on how to handle all this (assuming, of course, you are not Joe or Maddie Mauer. That is a totally different guide, called What to Expect When You're Expecting or some other such thing).
1) Let's try to flush all of the jokes out of our collective systems by the end of this week. If that's not feasible for you -- if you're thinking, "I can't go to this St. Patrick's Day party and NOT tell my 'bilateral egg weakness' joke" -- then let's at least try to purge by the end of March. That's a full month and right before the regular season starts on April 1.
2) In the short term: "Double play" is cute and works on multiple levels since Joe does have the propensity to hit into them. "Double play balls" starts to enter a territory that is not altogether comfortable.
3) Resist the temptation to project whether the due date could possibly conflict with a surprise Twins pennant push. If that's not possible, at least try not to think about the fantasy baseball implications. SABR probably has a stat for OPS+ when a player's wife is in the final month of pregnancy. They probably even separate it into first child, second, etc. That doesn't mean we have to use it.
4) If you think you have stumbled into a good joke about babies, Joe Mauer and milk, you are probably wrong.
5) Above all else: While our society is quite adept at gawking and forgetting that our celebrity sports heroes are, in fact, just human beings once they take the uniforms off, try to remember that this is a joyous time for the Mauer family and not simply fodder for your attempted cleverness. If you happen to see Joe or Maddie, maybe just say "congratulations."
This guidebook is by no means complete. Feel free to add to it, tastefully, in the comments.