Q: My ex and I have a 3-year-old daughter. He was awarded three supervised visits per week, two hours each visit, that he only uses occasionally. Last week he asked if he could see her on Halloween and on his birthday, which is on Nov. 1. These are not court-ordered times.

Is it good ex-etiquette to say no? I eventually want a good relationship with him, but he hardly ever comes when he is supposed to and I really think he's just asking because he wants to see me — not our daughter.

A: Sounds like you're pretty skeptical and that's understandable if Dad rarely uses his court-ordered visitation.

However, looking for a way to support dad's visitation on any level is good ex-etiquette. This is not to say that you stop your life in order to make Dad's visitation happen — especially since he's not stepping up to the plate and visiting when he's supposed to, but if Dad asks for time and you have no plans with your daughter, how would saying "no" be in your daughter's best interest?

That said, a huge red flag in your case is that your child's father's visitation is supervised. This is usually based on the fact that the child is not safe alone with the parent and supervised visitation is ordered so that the relationship can continue, but be monitored by someone to keep the child safe. Supervised visits may be ordered for various reasons — such as a parent may be mentally ill and not medication compliant, or convicted of a violent crime, or has a history of alcohol or drug abuse. Or it could even be that the parent has no history with the child and the court thinks that a supervisor will serve as a buffer until parent and child feel comfortable with each other.

For whatever reason, your ex was awarded supervised visits, so if you do say yes to additional time, those visits should be supervised as well until it's determined by the court that supervision should be lifted.

Finally, you say your ex has ulterior motives and really wants to see you and not the child. That could be true if you are the supervisor and present during visitation, but if you are not, then you are concerned about nothing. And, you have to ask yourself, what's the difference?

If your ultimate goal is to get along, the best way to do it is to start — and that begins by following the rules of good ex-etiquette. Things like: put the children first, don't hold grudges, don't be spiteful, use empathy when problem-solving, respect each other's turf and look for the compromise. These are perfect guides to help you get along.