Monday is Presidents' Day: all the nation's leaders, great and lame, smushed together into a meaningless cud. It's the day when we honor both George Washington and Grover Cleveland by paying them equal amounts of disinterest. What's open, and what's closed? Here's a list. (Warning: may be fictional.)
Schools: closed. If you're home with the brood, have fun horrifying your kids by pretending you'll spend the whole day learning about presidents, starting with breakfast the way the Father of Our Country would have had it. Milled flax in clotted cream; sparrow's livers (sunny side up) and a slice of Candied Wood for dessert.
Malls: All will be open. Some will have ads with a picture of Washington saying "I cannot tell a lie, these are great deals." Others will have Andrew Jackson staring at you coldly, saying "Shop here, or I'll cut you."
Giant pothole on your street with a rear of a Cooper Mini sticking out: open.
Mail: If a holiday has "President" in the title, there's a fighting chance it's a federal holiday.
State government: Open, but only on odd-numbered minutes.
Banks will be closed and will spend the day redesigning themselves to look like pawn shops, so when you come in Tuesday to make a withdrawal they can say "what?" and pretend they have no idea what you're talking about.
The rest of us will be back at work as usual, but that's okay. The holiday has no meaning. It has no songs; it has no traditional meals -- Applebee's won't be serving Gout Burgers in honor of William Howard Taft -- and it has no TV specials, like "You're a One-Term President Remembered Largely for Scandal and Graft, Charlie Brown."
