In her new book "Parents! Get Your Head in the Game," local author Terri McCarthy offers words of wisdom both true and sobering: "If parenting is not hard work, you are not doing your job."
McCarthy, a chemical health counselor at Jefferson High School in Bloomington, has been a school counselor for more than 25 years and raised three children who are now 26, 25 and 10. She and her husband, Jon, and youngest child, Sydnie, live in Prior Lake.
Professionally and personally, McCarthy knows all about life in the parenting trenches. Her book offers solid tips and suggestions about how parents can handle everything from sleep issues and temper tantrums (in toddlers, but occasionally in teens) to peer pressure, school performance and drug use.
"What I say about the hard work of parenting isn't meant to scare people," she said. "You'll definitely reap the rewards of that work. The biggest accomplishment of your life will be that you raised a healthy, normal kid."
McCarthy weighed in on a few key topics that can affect parenting at every stage:
Boundaries The sooner you can set them for your child, the better. "Children need to know that parents are in control and will take care of them," said McCarthy. "Their world won't end if you say no."
In the book, she tells about a former high school student struggling with depression and drug experimentation. He asked for McCarthy's help in getting his parents to set the boundaries he didn't have and knew he desperately needed.
"His parents had no idea what was going on in his life," she said, adding they did ultimately attend a meeting with McCarthy and their son and drew up a contract to address his specific needs. "A lot of times, parents want to put their heads in the sand, which is really the worst possible response," she said.
Role models As the recent confrontation at a Burnsville sixth-grade boys' basketball game proved, there are parents who continue to place far too much importance on youth athletics. "You wonder if there is a void in their lives that is causing them to put all their eggs into the basket of their child's athletic ability," McCarthy said.
She encourages parents to approach coaches or commissioners if they are concerned about the behavior being displayed on the court or in the stands. "There should be zero tolerance of negative behavior," McCarthy said. "We have to make sure youth sports is about fun and team building."
Communication Sometimes listening is even more important than talking when it comes to communicating with your child. "Not only listening, but really reflecting on what they are telling you," McCarthy said.
Creating an atmosphere of honesty and trust with your child is key. "Tell them from an early age that no matter what happens, they should know they can always tell you about it," McCarthy said. "If they come to you with the truth, let them know you will cut them some slack for being honest because if they are always fearful of your response, you've shut a door."
Julie Pfitzinger is a West St. Paul freelance writer. Got an idea for the Your Family page? E-mail us at tellus@startribune.com with "Your Family" in the subject line.