Once Upon a Time in Trumpland: Jared's giant to-do list

Every day, it seems, Jared Kushner's portfolio of responsibilities expands a little. First, it was merely to restore peace to the Middle East ("If you can't produce peace in the Middle East," Trump told him, "nobody can.") Then he started acting like a special envoy to Mexico and China. Now he must also run government like a business?

Maybe it's not that Kushner is exceptionally competent. Maybe the goddess Hera just hates him.

His tasks:

• Solve the following riddle: The leaks are real, but the news is fake. Learn the answer and then tell it to Sean Spicer before the sun sets or Sean Spicer will be trapped in his present form and position for all eternity.

• Find the one pure-hearted retailer whom Ivanka Trump's shoes will still fit.

• Drain the Undrainable Swamp using no tools other than current or former Goldman Sachs employees.

• Lull Stephen Bannon into a deep sleep, waiting for all six of his eyes to close, then steal the golden key he hides in his hollow tooth. With the key, journey east of the sun, west of the moon, beyond the sea and past the house of the North Wind until you find a silver castle hanging in the air. In the castle is a golden casket guarded by a dragon with scales of ivory and bronze. Unlock the casket with the key, and put President Trump's tax returns inside. Destroy the key in the fires of Mount Doom.

• Bring President Trump a base as white as milk, an electoral map as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn and a trademark as pure as gold before the sun sets on the 100th day so that he may retain his uncanny youth, health and genes.

• Find the Blue Fairy. She can make the inauguration crowds real.

• Find a basis for Trump's allegations of wiretapping and 3 million fraudulent voters, and pick up all the spilled lentils from the hearth before the cock crows three times.

• Bring Trump a ship that can fly on both land and sea (but not from Boeing.)

• Build an un-climbable wall using no money at all.

• Bring back the three-headed hound of hell and find it a good Cabinet position.

• Find 23 more approval points and bring them to President Trump before the clock strikes midnight.

• When is a Muslim ban not a Muslim ban? Resolve this paradox and whisper it into President Trump's ear before Stephen Bannon awakens from his nap.

• Journey to the Land Beyond the Sea and find an investor willing to put millions into your New York property.