"The most important thing for parents to realize is that gossip is no cause for panic," said Roni Cohen-Sandler, clinical psychologist and author of "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" "So much is written about bullying, but just because your daughter gossips does not make her a mean girl or a bully."Gossip can be a normal part of socializing and a road map for fitting in.
"Research shows a certain amount of gossip and a certain kind of gossip is actually socially desirable," Cohen-Sandler said.
That's not the same as starting rumors or saying cruel things about someone. If the gossip strikes you as excessive or mean-spirited, it might be time to step in.
"I would suggest not making an issue about it in front of your child's friend, because that can feel very shameful and you don't want to make the girls feel ashamed," she said. "You could simply go over and offer them some lunch, change the subject, and then have a conversation with your daughter later."
That conversation could include matters of loyalty and friendship and whether gossiping makes her appear trustworthy to her friends and makes her feel like her gossiping cohorts are trustworthy. You might also try to suss out an underlying issue.
Cohen-Sandler suggested the following concerns: "Is she trying to cement a friendship by creating a common enemy? Is she dealing with issues of insecurity or possessiveness? Is she angry with another girl? And are there better or healthier ways to deal with those feelings?"
Help your daughter find ways to change the subject or defuse the situation if her friends start gossiping, so she doesn't feel like her only option is to join in or lose the friends.
