Quirky? Salty? AP
Today a friend inquired whether the new Tim Burton "Alice in Wonderland" was suitable for his 7-year-old. Sometimes people ask too much of a movie critic. This is a question for a child psychologist, not a film buff. How do I know if the sight of Helena Bonham Carter running around with a wee little body and a big screaming balloon head will cause a trauma? Who am I, Jean Piaget?
I get this all the time. People want to know if some release is "a good family film." Define your terms. You mean is it good for the Partridge family? The Addams family? The Manson family? How should I know where your clan fits in?
You can't win, really. Tell people that "Babe" is a sweet children's movie and a year later they're scowling at you because when Junior learned where bacon comes from he went vegan. Anyway, I went to the Motion Picture Association of America website where film ratings are kept on file. And I found out that "Alice's" rating -- I am not making this up -- is "PG for fantasy action/violence involving scary images and situations, and for a smoking caterpillar." That's why I could never work for the ratings board. I would not recognize the need to protect the children of America from the sight of a butterfly larva puffing on a hookah. How would I know a smoking caterpillar is a smoking gun? The Mad Hatter's Tea Party known as the MPAA has been on the case since 1968, protecting us from many such dangers. Here are a few of my favorite rulings. Title: Skateboard Kid II, The (1995) Rating Reason: Rated PG for brief mild language and an adolescent punch in the nose. Title: Tombstone (1993) Rating Reason: Rated R for strong western violence. (I guess Jet Li movies get cited for strong eastern violence.) Title: Alien vs. Predator (2004) Rating Reason: PG-13 for violence, language, horror images, slime and gore. (The unrated DVD has twice the slime.) Title: Jefferson In Paris (1995) Rating Reason: PG-13 for mature theme, some images of violence and a bawdy puppet show. (Marionette ribaldry must be stopped!) Title: My Fellow Americans (1996) Rating Reason: PG-13 for salty language and innuendo. (Gee willikers!) Title: Twister (1996) Rating Reason: PG-13 for intense depiction of very bad weather. ("Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" skated by with a PG.) Title: Inconvenient Truth, An (2006) Rating Reason: PG for mild thematic elements. (But not bad weather.) Title: Teenage Space Vampires (1999) Rating Reason: PG for mild alien vampire violence. (Who saw that coming?) Title: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory (2005) Rating Reason: PG for quirky situations, action and mild language. (Quirky situations? Won't someone think of the children?!?)
