Advice for pros who stray off the fairway

The world was absolutely stunned this week when it learned that a good-looking, well-built, professional athlete cheated on his wife, smashed his Cadillac Escalade into a tree, met with the cops and then whined about a lack of privacy from inside his gated- community mansion paid for by his public persona.

Hey, when did Tiger Woods join the NFL?

Just kidding. But I did hear NFL Commish Roger Goodell's initial reaction was to suspend Tiger for four games for conduct detrimental to, well, everybody.

Poor Tiger. If only he had asked for some advice, here's what I could have offered him and others from years of following the basic trends of professional athletes, their significant others and an adoring and severely naive public:

No. 1: Advice for all professional athletes, except sumo wrestlers: If your face doesn't scare children and small animals, do not get married. Like I always say, why buy the cow when you can get the milk without a 6-iron upside the head?

No. 2: Advice for all pretty little women who insist on catching pretty professional athletes: The phrase "Until death do you part" really means "Until the first road game!" Deal with it, sister.

No. 3: Advice for the general public who hold professional athletes aloft in some fantasy world where they double as perfect role models: Just enjoy the games and raise your own darn kids.

Here's some more advice heading into Week 13 of the NFL season:

MIN -3 1/2 at ARI: Vikings by 13. Ryan Longwell should ask that Isleworth Neighborhood Championships be moved up to this Saturday.

DEN -4 1/2 at KC: Chiefs by 3. The Broncos shouldn't double over in laughter because two of their final five games are against the Chiefs.

OAK +14 1/2 at PIT: Steelers by 14. Hines Ward shouldn't have said what he said about Ben Roethlisberger. Americans hate the unvarnished truth.

HOU pick at JAX: Texans by 3. Jacksonville should try really hard to make the Super Bowl, play the Vikings and agree that the winner gets to move to Industry, Calif.

PHI -5 1/2 at ATL: Eagles by 7. In his return to Atlanta, Michael Vick should come out of the tunnel on a dog sled. (Oh, boy. Did I just write that?)

DET +13 at CIN: Bengals by 17. Vikings fans shouldn't get too comfortable prior to next week's game since the Bengals are about to go a combined 7-0 against the AFC and NFC North divisions.

NO -9 1/2 at WAS: Saints by 3. The Redskins really should try to win more games than Tiger has girlfriends (currently at three).

TB +6 at CAR: Panthers by 3. Jake Delhomme should just try and play with nine unbroken fingers, since playing with 10 hasn't worked.

STL +9 at CHI: Bears by 7. Brian Urlacher probably shouldn't criticize his teammates because he hasn't been healthy or any good since Lovie Smith was considered a quality coach.

SD -13 at CLE: Chargers by 21. The Browns should change their name to the Byes.

SF pick at SEA: 49ers by 3. The 49ers shouldn't give up. Not as long as the NFC is the Big 2 and Little 14.

DAL -2 at NYG: Giants by 7. Now Tiger knows how Tony Romo feels every December.

NE -3 at MIA: Patriots by 7. Coming off a trip to the Big Easy, Bill Belichick now knows how Tiger's Escalade feels.

BAL +3 at GB: Packers by 7. The Packers shouldn't get too excited about that No. 1 ranking on defense. Not after giving up a combined 68 points in two losses to the Vikings.