Finally, after 22 years with nothing else to do, the people of Los Angeles have something to break up all that SoCal monotony tonight. They're back in the NFL draft!
A lot has changed since 1994, L.A.
The NFL still plays games. But only for draft positioning.
People still do mock drafts. But mockaholism now prevents them from stopping at one or two or three or four or five or …
And there are now 32 teams, although only 31 first-round picks. Thanks to "Deflategate," the Patriots won't make the 29th overall pick on their way to 12 wins and the running of circles around the AFC East.
With only one shot to get this wr … right, let's roll:
1. Rams (From Tennessee)
Top need: Quarterback
The pick: Jared Goff, QB, California
Carson Wentz is strong, but Fargo's finest will finish second to the Cal kid in the Stan Kroenke Wallet Lift.
2. Eagles (From Cleveland)
Top need: Cornerback
The pick: Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State
Since Cleveland traded out of this pick, Carson Wentz just became future Hall of Famer Carson Wentz.
3. Chargers
Top need: Defensive end
The pick: Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
No pressure, San Diego. He's either the next J.J. Watt or the next Mike Mamula.
4. Cowboys
Top need: Pass rusher
The pick: Myles Jack, OLB, UCLA
Having Tony Romo break his collarbone every other game reminds the Cowboys that it's a pass rusher's league.
5. Jaguars
Top need: Better luck
The pick: DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon
Football gods-willing, he'll team with DE Dante Fowler, the 2015 No. 3 pick who tore an ACL at a May minicamp.
6. Ravens
Top need: Super duper deer antler spray for Ray Lewis
The pick: Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss
Not enough value at ILB, so Ozzie Newsome settles for the guy who was projected No. 1 before the Rams trade.
7. 49ers
Top need: Quarterback
The pick: Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame
No quarterback, but a big blocker who might be able to help a QB stay alive in Chip Kelly's scheme.
8. Browns (From Miami via Philadelphia)
Top need: Owner
The pick: Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis
You know what they say. If at first you don't succeed, try 25 more times over 16 years to find a quarterback.
9. Buccaneers
Top need: Cornerback
The pick: Jalen Ramsey, DB, Florida State
Look who just fell to Tampa Bay. (Please hold all what-an-idiot comments until the idiot has finished).
10. Giants
Top need: Offensive tackle
The pick: Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
Archie Manning needs this pick. The grandkids need grooming and he's down to his last son.
11. Bears
Top need: Pass rusher
The pick: Leonard Floyd, OLB, Georgia
Chicago's defense needs a few little things called speed, explosion and talent.
12. Saints
Top need: Defensive line
The pick: Sheldon Rankins, DT, Louisville
High-value wide load joins the league's worst scoring defense.
13. Dolphins (From Philadelphia)
Top need: Running back
The pick: Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State
Receivers? Who needs 'em. First running back comes off the board.
14. Raiders
Top need: Free safety
The pick: Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
Not the most physical guy, but he's the best player on the board. If he's actually still here.
15. Titans (From Rams)
Top need: Offensive tackle
The pick: Taylor Decker, OT, Ohio State
Marcus Mariota needs more protection and power on the right side.
16. Lions
Top need: Calvin Johnson to unretire
The pick: Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
Detroit needs an offensive tackle and a defensive end, but they're so used to having a big receiver.
17. Falcons
Top need: Pass rusher
The pick: Darron Lee, LB, Ohio State
Dan Quinn runs his old Seattle scheme, but it's a whole lot better with a pass-rushing playmaker at linebacker.
18. Colts
Top need: Andrew Luck safe and sound
The pick: Germain Ifedi, OT, Texas A&M
Taking a stab at identifying one of the many so-called reaches that always wreck mock drafts.
19. Bills
Top need: Linebacker
The pick: A'Shawn Robinson, DT, Alabama
A giant run-stuffer will make Marcell Dareus even more of an interior pass rushing force.
20. Jets
Top need: Outside linebacker
The pick: Shaq Lawson, DE, Clemson
Will he fall this far? We'll let you know Thursday night.
21. Redskins
Top need: Defensive tackle
The pick: Robert Nikemdiche, DT, Ole Miss
Will he rise this far? We'll let you know about 15 later.
22. Texans
Top need: Receiver
The pick: Josh Doctson, WR, TCU
Brock Osweiler just got a little better as Houston's new quarterback.
23. Vikings
Top need: Receiver
The pick: Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame
The NFL combine's fastest receiver (4.34-second 40). A smart, crisp route-runner. A Golden Domer. What's not to like for GM Rick Spielman. Other than trading down and still getting Fuller?
24. Bengals
Top need: Receiver
The pick: Michael Thomas, WR, Ohio State
Somewhere, Paul Brown will be smiling as another Buckeye comes aboard.
25. Steelers
Top need: Cornerback
The pick: William Jackson III, CB, Houston
A 6-foot corner with long arms and 4.37 speed. The Steelers finally might have themselves a corner.
26. Seahawks
Top need: Nose tackle
The pick: Andrew Billings, NT, Baylor
Powerful inside force bolsters a weak spot in a strong defense.
27. Packers
Top need: Inside linebacker
The pick: Reggie Ragland, ILB, Alabama
The Packers move Clay Matthews back to OLB and replace him inside with the SEC Defensive Player of the Year.
28. Chiefs
Top need: Cornerback
The pick: Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
Kansas City has little depth at corner behind Marcus Peters, the reigning NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year.
(Forfeited pick: Patriots. Top need: To stop doing things that end in "gate.")
29. Cardinals
Top need: Center
The pick: Ryan Kelly, C, Alabama
It's getting late. Good fit, yada, yada, yada.
30. Panthers
Top need: Did you see their OTs in the Super Bowl?
The pick: Kevin Dodd, DE, Clemson
Seemingly out of first-round options at OT, Carolina opts to try and wipe the big smile off the other team's QB.
31. Broncos
Top need: Quarterback
The pick: Connor Cook, QB, Michigan State
Desperate times (Sanchez, Mark) call for grabbing the next QB before Dallas (34) or San Francisco (37) do.
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