Mackay: Correcting the blind spots between men and women

You already know from John Gray that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but do you know how to promote interplanetary cooperation at the office?

After decades of striving for gender equality in the workplace, you'd think the difficult questions would be answered. You would be wrong.

According to a terrific new book by two gurus in the field of male-female relationships, Barbara Annis and John Gray, there are eight gender "blind spots" between men and women in business. "Work With Me" addresses the issues that create tension between the sexes at work, resulting in misunderstandings and miscommunications that affect success and satisfaction.

This book is eye-opening, to say the least. I've witnessed a sea change in business relationships during my long career. Turns out there's an ocean of awareness that we've barely dipped our toes into.

Annis and Gray interviewed more than 100,000 executives at more than 60 Fortune 500 companies. Their research led them to identify "how truly blind men and women are to each other's intentions and expectations."

They cite the importance of "gender intelligence," which they define as "an active consciousness that views gender differences as strengths, not weaknesses. It is an understanding that both nature and nurture play a significant role in a person's life."

Because we've been conditioned to believe that men and women are the same, they contend, we often expect the other gender to think and act the same. And without gender intelligence, they write, "men and women will never truly understand and appreciate each other's authentic, complementary nature."

Do women want men to change? "We have to stop fixing women to act like men and then blaming men for acting like themselves. … When we understand our differences, our language begins to change and our expectations become grounded in reality instead of assumptions."

Do men appreciate women? "Men don't realize that for many women, a collaborative work environment, peer and supervisory support, and building sharing and reciprocal relationships are as important as money, status and power."

Are women being excluded? The authors conclude that "inclusion is not generally a top-of-mind issue for men. As a result, a woman may misread a man's behavior in team meetings as being aloof and indifferent, which tends to amplify a woman's feeling of exclusion."

Do men have to walk on eggshells with women? Annis and Gray write: "Men say they often feel they can't express their ideas or be their natural, casual selves without the fear of inadvertently saying or doing something that may upset a woman."

Do women ask too many questions? Women generally ask more questions than men, the authors say, but those questions are intended to stimulate an exchange of ideas, discover what's important, and arrive at a best possible outcome.

Are women too emotional? Generally, the authors say, men are just as emotional as women, but tend to conceal their feelings except to the people closest to them.

Are men insensitive? "Many men today make an effort to be more actively conscious of the people and events around them," they say. "Nevertheless, being sensitive is not a natural and effortless response for men."

Mackay's Moral: The battle of the sexes should have winners on both sides.