In olden days I renewed license tabs in person because I never had stamps. You could buy stamps at the grocery store, which we all accept as normal, even though the clerk at the post office will not produce a rutabaga if you ask. We just hate to buy stamps. It's too much trouble. You can buy them on Amazon, and it's still too much trouble. If we were able to shout, "POSTAGE, HUZZAH, SHAZAM!" and a book of Forevers appeared on the kitchen table with a puff of smoke, we'd consider it a bother.
I got my annual license tab renewal letter. I checked the damage: $52 for my 10-year-old car. That includes a "wheelage tax," which is like a "paw tax" on a dog license. It's "levied by the county board of commissioners on vehicles kept in their county when not in operation." You are literally taxed for doing nothing. It's slated to double in 2018 because, of course, it will.
There's also a "Filing Fee" of $6. This "pays for the costs of the services provided in the driver's license/ID card issuance process." That doesn't explain why the license costs $45. You'd think the cost of the license would pay for the cost of the license, but this might pay for the license-photo software that runs your image through programs labeled "unrepentant war criminal" and "mortified sex-crime suspect" and the like.
Tech surcharge: $1. This helps to pay for tech. You know! Tech.
You hope some of that money goes toward a website upgrade, because the ancient page might as well say, "Welcome to an Automated Bureaucratic Experience, Where Hope Goes to Die." My first attempt to buy tabs yielded: "There was an error while attempting to process your order. Please try again later. Error Number = 178976."
Ah, I HATE that error number! I mean, sure, no one wants to get, say, 124034, but you get 178976 and you know you're really in a pickle. Many's the time you're having a cold one with a pal, and he says, "How was your day?" And you say, "178976, bro." No more needs to be said.
As instructed, I tried it later, which is to say immediately, which was by definition later. "You are attempting to access a page without first logging in. Please go to the Login Page and try again." Augh. Re-logged in. Completed the transaction. One problem: No lives were saved.
The envelope with the renewal notice — a bill, to be honest — said, "NEW! Save lives when you renew your registration in-person." How? A needle juts out of the counter and draws a pint?
No: I could contribute $2 "to support organ and tissue donation education." Not the actual donation process, but education. Fine. I'm all for that. Sixty-five percent of Minnesota drivers are donors. Let's make it higher. But this year I didn't get to add two bucks because I renewed online, where there's no option to support the program. Maybe that's coming in a 2020 upgrade, when you'll be able to get your tabs using your smartphone.
To get your tabs now, press 1. If you are using a rotary phone, please stay on the line. They'll have to do that because some people have rotary phones. They're also the ones who always have stamps, you just know it.
james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks
