It's Mother's Day. If this is news to you, you're about to throw down the paper, run to the drugstore and get SOMETHING. Nice planning! That whole born-and-raised bit comes as a complete surprise, I know. Some advice on what's available on short notice, based on our research:
"World's Greatest Mom" mugs. This is a sweet sentiment, but it cannot be independently verified and may result in legal action from mothers who were identified as the planet's greatest mom in previous years. The fact that stores sell these mugs by the dozen should tell you that this is a nonbinding honorific with no empirical basis.
There's also the matter of what constitutes "Greatest" -- a mother who lets the kids stay up until midnight and eat pans of brownies, and pops in once a night to ask, "Are you having online chats with strangers? Call me if they sound interesting!" might be considered awesome by some kids, but not in the sense the mug intends.
Flowers are good. She'll love a bouquet of tulips, bursting with colors. They're her favorites, because she planted the very same kind of bulbs last fall, and these are the colors out in the garden, and -- say, where did you get these? Gathering flowers from the yard only works if you are 2 and you put dandelions in a sippy cup, because that's just adorable. Not so if you are 24 and put them in a Bud can. Although even then some moms would melt. He washed it out and everything! So thoughtful.
The Card. There are two varieties: the store-bought one with flowery writing and a poem ("Dearest Mother. You were always there when things were hard / sorry about the prefab card.") Better: the hand-scrawled version, which has the power to melt hearts, particularly if there are backward letters or misspellings. Note: "Happy Birthday, Dad" is not a misspelling. It just tells her they were out of cards. But it's OK. She'll like it, anyway. She's your mom and she's the greatest.
Additional note: cutting out this column, handing to her, and saying, "What he said," is not good enough.
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/blogs/lileks
