All the Father’s Day gifts seem so clichéd. It’s a tie that makes bacon! No? How about some bacon-flavored beer? Or some cologne he’s sure to like, because it smells like burned wood and motor oil?
It was easier in the ’50s — some tail fin polish and a carton of cigarettes. Nowadays, your options are ...
... I’m sorry, I can’t focus. I’m watching a raccoon go down a skyscraper. Earlier in the day it climbed up to the 22nd floor, as you no doubt have heard; CNN bumped its North Korea coverage for live reports.
Of course, people online were divided about the issue. They are divided on every issue. People on the internet argue whether water is wet. You’d read a comment like this:
“OMG I literally cannot breathe why isn’t anyone helping that guy???? Cant they open a window? Im crying here”
Followed by the Expert:
“Actually, modern skyscrapers are sealed for climate control, so the window cannot be opened. While it could be cut, the sudden imbalance of air pressure might blow the raccoon off the ledge, which I do not believe is the outcome you desire.”
This person goes to Halloween parties and critiques the historical accuracy of the costumes.
He’s followed by the Bitter Loather of Our Times: “Can’t open windows, because people might jump to end their soulless corporate lives. Enjoy your poison air, slaves.”
This person rides a unicycle and has facial hair that implies he’s the sort of person who rides a unicycle.
He’s followed by Mr. Cold Truths: “Look, raccoons are nasty. They cheat at cards. They give squirrel’s tails a Dutch rub for fun. This one’s probably got rabies, and if someone tried to rescue it they’d get clawed and have to take eight shots in the gut. I lost some good men to raccoons in the war. Besides there are people starving all over the world, and you’re all boohoo about an animal. You’d save the rat that gave Europe plague.”
We can’t blame anyone for their reaction, really. Would you rather live in a world where people’s hearts went out to a creature in peril, or one where everyone rooted for it to slip and splat?
OK, now back to Father’s Day. What I was going to say is simple: Kids should know that their father would climb up the building to get them if they somehow made it to the 22nd-floor ledge of a skyscraper. It’s what we would do. We also expect, kids, that at some point you will do the equivalent of getting stuck on a 22nd-floor ledge. Promising us you won’t is the best gift we can get today.
Tail fin wax would be good, too. Bonus points if it’s bacon-flavored.