The letter was designed to intimidate, and it worked. It wasn't IRS thick, thank heavens — if you do something silly like "forget a certain tax form" or "neglect to file for years," you get a dense envelope from the gov. But it wasn't from them.

No return address: just a mysterious, official-looking crest. An Illuminati application form, maybe. No, that's delivered by owl. In the upper-right-hand corner:

SIGNED FOR PRIOR TO SENDING "Accts. Division" / "The contents of this parcel have been certified in our processing dept. prior to sending. / Please do not tamper with the contents."

Who are they talking to, the postman? Is there an assumption the folks at the post office rip open mail to amuse themselves, but would stop tampering if a letter warned them off?

Over my name: ENCLOSURES BELONG TO THE RECEIVER ONLY. I don't have to tell you my pulse is jackhammering right now, because this isn't just mail, and it isn't just mail addressed to me — it's mail that belongs to me ONLY. My wife opens it by accident, we're looking at hard time. I nearly fainted when I saw the other words stamped on the front:

IDENTIFICATION CERTIFIED VALID / RECORDED/ FILED

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, who was in charge of validating my identity and certifying it? I was standing on the porch as I looked at the envelope, and didn't dare look up because there might be a van with antennae validating the certified validation. And don't tell yourself that doesn't mean anything because it just wasn't RECORDED, it was FILED. I flipped it over: It was from A.M.M., in Tampa. Aw, not Automatic Monkey Manipulators again; I'm on their do-not-mail list.

Opened it up. It was from a local auto dealership. Inside were coupons offering great deals on lubrication for a vehicle I sold the previous century. One of the coupons says, "GOOD FOR A SECOND OPINION."

I'm tempted to use it. "So, your expensive marketing seems to rely on subterfuge and misdirection to get the consumer to open the letter, and you expect me to trust you after that? Doesn't work. But hey, here's that coupon. What do you think?

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858