If you hate leaf blowers, you don't have one

They say you become the thing you hate, but if that were true I'd be a plate of boiled spinach that told George Lucas he should make "Star Wars" prequels. Nevertheless, I became a worse person last week, one of the people you absolutely hate.

Let's back up a bit. Last spring the trees sprouted leaves, as is their wont, and in the fall they fell, as is their other wont. I could have raked them, but I refuse to do that; too many leaves. Trees are like out-of-control copy machines.

Instead, a crew corralled the leaves with huge blowing machines, which make a sound like a T. rex with a toothache.

It's the worst sound. It rises, drones, does not abate, then falls, then rises again. Everyone hates the sound of people leaf blowing, just as they hate the sound of someone vacuum cleaning the house. But you hate the vacuum sound because A) you know the person doing it wishes you'd done it, and B) you know the person doing the vacuuming couldn't care less what you think, because you're not vacuuming.

Could the irritation possibly be from the note leaf blowers sing? I believe it's middle C, the most beige-vanilla note of them all. Why not market leaf blowers that have adjustable notes, so the neighborhood could play an interesting chord?

"Bob, you going to get out your blower tomorrow morning? Harvey's blower's out for repairs and we need an E flat. It adds a little wistfulness. A sense of rueful, bluesy regret."

"Sure. But I'll warn you, I'm a bit out of practice."

I bought it and put it together and attached the bag. It looked like a handheld grenade launcher that doubled as a bagpipe.

Then I plugged it in and realized that it was just a leaf blower that also had an inhale setting. No one would know the difference. It's not as if neighbors would hear that horrible sound, purse their lips, cock an ear and say, "Oh, it's not blowing, it's gathering. That's different."

I decided to use it, anyway, because the "mulch" setting is ethically and aesthetically permissible. But there's a personal price: I can't complain about anyone else's leaf blower ever again.

Besides, I've discovered that if I wear headphones while I use it, I can't hear a thing.