For a while in the '70s, people were advised to talk to their houseplants to make them feel loved. This was ridiculous, but the '70s were ridiculous; if you want to imagine the decade, envision a guy with gorilla-pelt chest hair flowing out a robin's-egg-blue pantsuit made entirely out petrochemicals, saying, "You're a cool dude, fern" to something hanging from the ceiling.

Yes, people believed that. They probably thought that plastic plants could be encouraged if you wrote a note and tucked it in the pot.

Talking doesn't work. But maybe threats will.

Last year I put down a lot of seed. And by "put down" I mean I criticized it to the garden store salesman because it hadn't worked.

"Did you water it?" he asked, and I was tempted to stare at him with a look of incomprehension.

"What, you mean, did I give it the life-giving fluid all plants require to maintain systolic pressure and perform photosynthesis? No, but when I walked the dog and passed the spot I'd patched, I spit on it now and then."

That's what I wanted to say. But, of course, I just nodded.

I had also fertilized it, because seed + dirt + sun + water isn't enough. America was a vast sandy desert before the Pilgrims showed up and invented granulated, time-release fertilizer.

Some grass came up, but the general effect was "his credit card was declined when he tried to pay for the second round of hair transplants." So this year I tried again with some seed that was "guaranteed" to grow. Strew it on a marble countertop and it will be 6 inches high by morn. Makes you wonder why you just don't spread the paste they use on Chia Pets.

Anyway, if we could encourage our plants by talking to them, perhaps we can motivate our lawns by yelling at them like a Marine drill instructor.

"You disgust me! I've seen more growth on the chin of a 13-year-old boy! You are a disgrace to my beloved lawn! Miniature golf courses have better grass and they're made out of plastic! Do you think this is lush? Do you think this is verdant? Do you?

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT SOME ROOTS.

Imagine a timid sound coming from lawn: "Sir, no sir."

"LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR'S MOWER."

"Sir, no sir!"

It might work. The seed is guaranteed, as I said, but no one ever takes them up on it. You'd be ashamed.

Update: I saw some new shoots. This new blend really does work.

Unfortunately, it's coming up in the sidewalk cracks where I spilled it.

james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks