On rare occasions, the Minneapolis Tribune of the early 1900s peeled off its topcoat, loosened its tie and offered readers Onion-esque tales like this. Read it in the voice of one my purported former babysitters, Garrison Keillor, for the full effect.
THE VICTIM OF SAD ACCIDENT
Man Pours Cream in Sleeve, Instead of Coffee.
He was a big man with a desperado moustache and a weak chin. His napkin was tucked under his collar and he read a newspaper while the waitress brought him breakfast.
Without raising his eyes from the paper, he grabbed the small pitcher of cream by the circumference, in a manner that would not have been permitted at his home table, and inserted it toward him and under his palm to connect with his coffee. The cream, obeying gravity laws, ran gaily down his arm inside his sleeve.
The waitress tittered. The big man grew fiery red and went out hastily, and he didn’t come back.
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More From Yesterday's News
Miss Louisa M. Alcott died this morning. Coming so soon after the death of her father, the suddenly announced death of Louisa M. Alcott brings a double sorrow. For a long time Miss Alcott has been ill, suffering from nervous prostration. Last autumn she appeared to be improving and went to the highlands to reside with Dr. Rhoda A. Lawrence. While there she drove into town to visit her father, Thursday, the 1st, and caught a cold, which on Saturday settled on the based of the brain and developed spinal meningitis. She died at the highlands early this morning. Miss Alcott was born on an anniversary of her father's birthday, and it is singular that she should have followed him so soon to the grave.
Have you read "Canoeing With the Cree," Eric Sevareid's engaging account of his 1930 canoe trip from Minneapolis to Hudson Bay? Sevareid, 17, and a 19-year-old friend paddled more than 2,200 miles that summer. A few decades earlier, another 17-year-old boy from Minneapolis and two friends set out on a canoe adventure that was nearly as ambitious.
Renowned as "the world's greatest aviator" in the early 20th century, Lincoln Beachey was a barnstorming stunt pilot who invented many of the daring maneuvers performed at aerial shows today.
The Minnesota State Fair has featured many unusual attractions in its 150-year history: death-defying aerial acts, colliding locomotives, freak shows, live animal births, the Minnesota Iceman and premature babies in incubators. Wait … what? The Minneapolis Morning Tribune was there:
This Minneapolis Tribune story is a mess. But the headline is sublime.