The Recording Academy gave out the Grammys. Here’s our alternative take on the night.

Does anybody really care?

The Grammy poobahs paired 1960s vintage pop band Chicago with contemporary blue-eyed soul man Robin Thicke, whose “Blurred Lines” was a finalist for record of the year. Who decided that viewers needed to hear more of Chicago’s “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is” than of “Blurred Lines” — the biggest song of 2013?

Give the DJ some

When Macklemore & Ryan Lewis picked up the prize for best new artist, Macklemore gave an eloquent speech about their roots in indie-rap and their debt to their fans. But the Grammys directors cued the music before DJ Lewis got a chance to speak, making him come across like Teller of comedy’s Penn & Teller. Henceforth, he’ll be known as “& Ryan Lewis.”

What year is it?

The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and Paul McCartney all received Grammys for new work. But McCartney was honored not for his OK new album (um, “New”) but for the forgettable standards CD “Kisses on the Bottom” and a throwaway song with surviving members of Nirvana. And Zep won best rock album for a 2007 concert recording of ’70s songs.

If elected, I will ...

Even though the pre-telecast was seen only on, Latin-rock-album honoree Marisoul, singer for La Santa Cecilia, seized the moment: “We’re proud to be children of immigrant parents. I want to dedicate this to the 11 million undocumented people who need to lead a better life in this country. Immigration is beautiful!”

Best use of a Grammy

While holding his award for best rap/sung collaboration for “Holy Grail,” Jay Z tipped the trophy and addressed his daughter: “I want to tell Blue that daddy got a gold sippy cup for you.”