You might remember the heat wave we had recently, when a soporific torpor suffocated the life out of everything. It's the time when you're really grateful for air conditioning. But since everyone with AC has it cranked to the "Midnight in Antarctica" setting, the electrical requirements are enormous, and you expect to see the power lines overhead swollen like anaconda snakes. It all could blow at any minute.
Unless some good citizens have a switch that lets the power company turn off your AC when the system is overloaded. When this device was offered to me, I was confused: So, you're saying that when I really need AC, you'll be able to take it away? "Yes, sir! But you get a rebate, and you'll do your part to make sure the quiet of the evening isn't interrupted by detonating transformers." OK, sign me up.
Well, it cut off during the heat wave, just as advertised. After an hour, it hadn't turned back on, and by then all my altruism was drained completely. Look, I don't care if you have to put on a third shift of guys at Prairie Island shoveling uranium into the bunkers, I am mildly uncomfortable here. It never came back on. Periodically it made a sound like a gargling walrus, but no cool air. We thus spent an evening that we will all recall as The Time of Great Personal Moistness.
Yes, yes, big, horrible problems, we should suffer so. How long was it out? Two days? Oh, alert the U.N., they'll be very concerned. That's not my point, believe it or not. What I took away from the whole experience was something I noticed about one of the old fans we used to keep cool. It was an antique I bought as a Nifty Old Thing to sit on a shelf. Sixty years old. Still worked.
It kicked out a nice gust, and it went from side to side, which is odd, when you think about it. Oh, great, here's the air. Ahhh, it's cool, but it's also sort of annoying. Good, it's moving away — oh, no, it's hot again. Wait, the good air is coming back. Repeat for infinity. You always wanted to meet the guy who invented that fan, to see if he moved his head from side to side and spoke softer AND THEN LOUDER and then softer again. About your fan, where did you get the idea? IDEA FOr what? I don't know what you are taLKING ABOUT.
The box fan was annoying, like a loud man hollering a one-note song. It was mostly plastic and lightweight. The old side-to-side fan was heavy, because just about everything made in the 1940s could be used as a murder weapon. The box fan had a grille whose apertures were barely wide enough to stick a chopstick through; the old fan had a grille with gaps 2 inches wide. In other words, you could put your finger right into the blades. How could they make something so unsafe?
Because no one was stupid enough to put their fingers into the blades. But what about small, curious children? That's why you put it out of reach.
Anyway, a repairman said the AC unit had failed because we were using it so much. Always happens when it's hot, just when you need it. No one ever turns it on in the winter to see how the capacitor's doing, after all.
Lesson of the story: Go up to your closet right now and try on your dress shoes. The ones with laces. You'll thank me when the time comes.
james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks
