The card table outside the grocery store was heaped with toilet paper. New form of bake sale? You can't resist cute kids selling things for their class project. Oooh, brick-hard Rice Krispie bars designed to highlight gum tenderness? I'll take two. Perhaps they'd just decided to skip the ­baking part. At least bathroom tissue is useful, and you don't buy seven-layer bars that turn out to have only six strata. (My lawsuit on this situation is still working its way through the courts.)

But no: it was a survey. Being the sort of fellow who's constantly impressed with the soundness of his own opinions and eager to share his wisdom, I agreed to be polled. How often do you buy a 12-pack roll? Oh, weekly! If it's not the cholera, it's the dysentery. What matters most, softness, strength or price? None of the above: the topmost desirable ­attribute is a quilted floral pattern.

The survey taker didn't ask the only important question: Over or Under? Differences on that matter are the precipitating factor in 37 percent of divorces because it JUST SAYS EVERYTHING SOMEHOW.

Then I had to squeeze four rolls, something that made Mr. Whipple thrash about in his coffin, and rate them. Squeezing has no relation to the product's actual use, unless you think people buy a 12-pack so they can pretend to play it like an accordion. As it turned out, the roll I dismissed with curt contempt turned out to be the softest, had the most squares, and was cheapest. Everything I knew about bathroom tissue was called into question.

Grasping for a handhold in this crazy new reality, I asked what brand this was. She could not tell me. This was only a test. OK, well, when can I buy it? She didn't know, but said it would be sold down South.

I mention this so you know that the perceptions of Minnesotans will be responsible for the comfort of Southern bottoms in the future, and our contribution will never be recognized. It's possible that outside a Winn-Dixie in Bufus Flats, Ala., someone is judging napkins that will be sold to us in 2018, and that's wrong. They have no idea how cold the seat can get.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858