Are the subterranean Mole People planning a gas attack on Minneapolis? You might think it's a stupid question, but for different reasons. You could say, "Duh. They're Mole People. They hate us and have been scheming for years." Or you could say this is just ridiculous, because the Mole People are a cover story for the underground lizardoid conspiracy. Oh, they'd love for everyone to worry about the Mole People.

But you also might say: "Unless you've lost your wits, and people around the office are starting to back away when you're walking around with a pair of scissors, you must have a reason for saying this."

I do. It's the gray pipes that appeared on the boulevard recently. Please tell me you've noticed the gray pipes.

First saw one while walking the dog. It's about 2 feet long, slightly curved; the end is covered with gray duct tape. It looks like the stem of a very dull and lazy plant, one that couldn't even be bothered to sprout leaves. Eh, got out of the dirt, think I'll knock off for the week. Then I saw another. And another. Driving around the neighborhood, I saw more. Some sort of utility conduit? Not for new streetlamps; they're irregularly spaced. Two close together, then no pipes for a block.

Logical assumption: They are pipes to flood the city with poison gas. Being a journalist, though, I wanted to get a confirmation before I ran with the story, so I called 311. ("For when things are one-third as important as 911.") And, of course, I sounded like a lunatic.

"Hi! Say, there are gray pipes coming up out of the ground on the boulevard at irregular intervals, and I wondered what they are." Pause as the guy waves everyone over and puts me on speakerphone and makes a circular motion with his index finger next to his temple.

"I have a theory," I said, "but I wanted to check." I regretted that right away, because now I really sound like a guy who has a YouTube channel where he puts a ball on a table and it doesn't roll off, and he shouts, "See? The Earth is flat!"

But I did have a theory. The pipes were related to fiber-optic lines. Our neighborhood is being wired, and the scattershot placement would indicate the first wave of customers. But that didn't explain why they were above ground. Did someone come by every morning and pour Internet down the pipe?

The nice 311 fellow put me on hold, came back and said they were indeed fiber-optic cables, or so he had been told. But why are they sticking out of the ground? Shouldn't they be buried? He didn't know, but apparently since there are three companies doing the wiring, they leave the pipes up so another company could have access. Huh? A heartening act of philanthropy, but does that mean it stays up forever?

He sent me off to talk to Utilities, and they said they'd get back to me. In the meantime I wandered out to my own boulevard, because I recently ordered fiber service. NO PIPE.

Eventually the city called back. Yes, fiber! Sure. They're in on it, of course. They're in league with the Mole People. My time is short, I suspect, but heed my warning! If you see a gray pipe, you must quickly

james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks