As we've heard over and over this campaign season, this is likely to be the most important election in our lifetime. But the major-party candidates have ignored one of the most critical issues facing our nation: the continued assault on the English language being conducted in the locker rooms, coaches' offices and press boxes of our beloved country. The overuse of sports clichés has become an epidemic. It starts innocently enough: a Hail Mary pass here, a fat lady singing there. Pretty soon, politicians are yammering about taking off the gloves and making it a whole new ballgame and playing for the win. Your boss is telling you to go for the gold. Even a V-chip cannot protect your children from "SportsCenter."

Our campaign knows all about this insidious enemy; after all, we can see the Metrodome from our house. This Straight Talk Express plans to eliminate the cliché, starting with ourselves. We pledge never to give the American people 110 percent. We promise not to overcome distractions, adversity or overconfidence. We won't bring our "A" game or show our character, nor will there be any total team efforts or mental toughness coming from this camp. (Although if you'd like to make a contribution to a winning effort, we will not discourage that.)

We also call for an immediate investigation of all athletes and sports journalists to determine whether they are pro-cliché or anti-cliché. A Senate committee will hold hearings on Brent Musburger; unfortunately, the statute of limitations has run out on Keith Jackson. Should he be found guilty of crimes against the English language, Marion Jones' prison cell will be waiting for him.

While we pledge not to send any messages to our opponents, even if there is a sense of urgency to get the monkey off our back, remember we are not responsible for the content of advertising by 527 groups. Those would be the ads showing our opponent kissing his sister, stealing pages out of playbooks and beating himself.

So remember, there's no I in team. But there is one in bribe, and indictment, and impeach. If you love America, buy into our game plan to protect our language. Help us steal a victory on election day!

I'm Rachel Blount, and I approve this message.

Rachel Blount • rblount@startribune.com