There are times you realize you're living in the 21st century, and this was one: The Uber driver I had summoned from my pocket global information device opened his trunk and offered to sell me a hoverboard. I declined because the hoverboards carry a faint whiff of Segway Dork. I also had a horrible vision of gliding down the sidewalk, the dog's leash tied to my waist and I'm looking at my phone. Anything to avoid exercise and engagement with the world around me, that's my motto!

Gave the matter no thought until last week, when I saw the first hoverboarder in the skyway. Tall guy. Standing stock-still on a glowing board. Moving. People's reaction can be best summed up thus: Dude. Unless you have some infirmity, the only reason to ride a hoverboard through the skyway is to announce I HAVE A HOVERBOARD. I would rather set my hair on fire and walk naked through Macy's, because I'd feel less self-conscious.

Perhaps he was the future, a pioneer in the realm of "personal transit." The skyways will abound with them, and you know what that means? Well, let's back up. The city of Minneapolis recently released details of a $2 million pedestrian upgrade. It includes new paint for crosswalks, so drivers don't think "that faded paint means this isn't really a crosswalk, even though there are pedestrians. Floor it!"

There's money to replace streetlights with LEDs. There's money for more countdown timers, which are the greatest boon since the blinking hand; if I start across the street and see 26 I almost want to pull up a chair and tarry awhile. I've got time.

There's money for trees. Good! I'm tired of their constant begging.

But there's no money for hoverboard lanes. Let's think ahead. At least one lane of downtown traffic should be set aside for hoverboards because people will tire of complaining about bike lanes and want something new to bemoan. The skyways need lanes as well as speed bumps to keep the hot-rodders from blasting along at 8 miles per hour with coffee in each hand.

Or just make them wear a bell. So you know which direction to run. Sorry! Can I help you up?

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858