Gail Rosenblum: Hoping to see the grandkids, grandparents battle courts

I wondered last week what Renee Judkins would say about a website I found promoting Grandparents' Day, which was celebrated nationwide on Sunday. How would she react to the illustration of a gleeful little girl leaping into Granny's lap, or the story of Marian McQuade of West Virginia, who created the holiday for grandchildren "to tap into the wisdom and heritage of their grandparents?"

I'd sure nominate Judkins for 2009 Grandparent of the Year, although I'm guessing she's not what the judges had in mind.

Judkins is a Minneapolis grandmother who has been fighting the courts for three excruciating years to remain in contact with her two school-age granddaughters. Her son is in prison, and she makes no excuses for him. But his girlfriend, who has custody, moves them from state to state, in and out of schools and, sometimes, onto the streets, she said.

Judkins' brag book is a manila envelope stuffed with fastidious documentation of address changes, school absences, police reports, suspicious prescriptions and letter after pleading letter in Judkins' neat cursive addressed to judges, Minneapolis Police Chief Tim Dolan and the media.

"I'm not giving up," Judkins told me a few months back. "For three years, I've been mother, grandmother, social worker, investigator and, now, watchdog, over all the people who are supposed to be watching over my kids."

Judkins' case may seem extreme, but she is one of a growing number of grandparents learning a hard lesson: Regarding grandkids, they have few rights. This is true whether their adult child is still married or divorced, in prison or, in some cases, dead.

Minnesota is especially stringent. It is one of two states (the other is Pennsylvania) in which grandparents cannot make a legal case to see their grandchildren unless those grandchildren previously lived with them.

Admittedly, most grandparents today live within a large middle ground, enjoying regular visits or phone calls, taking vacations and spending the holidays together. If their adult children have a beef, it's probably that the grandfolks give the tykes too much stuff, and that they give Mom and Dad too much advice.

Then there are the extremes: On the one end are more than 6 million grandparents raising grandchildren, in many cases due to financial fall-out or addiction.

On the other end are grandparents like Judkins, who call me with troubling tales.

Rodney and Therese Aultman of Grand Rapids, Minn., are allowed just one two-hour visit a week with their two grandchildren, now in foster care. The Aultmans await a November court date in hopes of winning custody; they've spent $14,000 on lawyers since the rights of both parents were terminated. "I was hopeful," Therese Aultman said, her voice breaking. "The lawyer keeps wanting money. Where do you stop? My husband says we can't stop now."

Brenda and Jerry Pence of Maple Grove are square-dancers who are active in their church. Their divorced son lost his job because of health issues and couldn't make his child-support payments. He and his parents haven't seen his now-16-year-old daughter in three years.

"When she was little and learning to talk, her mom would have her call me at work," said Brenda, 68, who broke down in the greeting card aisle last week trying to pick out a card for her granddaughter's Sweet 16 celebration, to which none of them was invited.

"She used to call me 'Bama.' Now I wonder, what does she sound like? What are the desires of her heart? This is not where any of us expected to be."

The courts are coming around, said Brigitte Castellano, executive director of the New York-based National Committee of Grandparents for Children's Rights (www. grandparentsforchildren.org).

A 2008 law, "Fostering Connections for Success," signed by President Bush, mandates that state child welfare agencies notify all grandparents and relatives within 30 days of the removal of a child from his or her custodial parents. This allows grandparents to be more proactive about adoption, before children are mired in the foster-care system.

She points also to a new study in the Journal of Family Psychology concluding that grandparents provide unique stability, guidance and unconditional love to grandchildren, particularly those in single-parent and blended families.

But the biggest road block isn't lack of laws or research. It's adult-sized stubbornness.

"I always say, put the child first," Castellano said. "Do not use a child as a pawn. But that happens all the time."

Sometimes, thawing occurs.

Therese and Joe Kramer of Ham Lake were despondent when their former daughter-in-law no longer allowed them visits with their 5-year-old grandson without their son present. Before the divorce, Therese provided full-time day care to her grandson, who has autism. "It felt like a death," Therese said of a five-month separation.

Therese doesn't know why Mom opened the door again, nor does she care. "It's such a relief," Therese said. "Contact with my grandson is the most important thing in my world."

Gail Rosenblum • 612-673-7350 • gail.rosenblum@startribune.com