Among the many preposterous feats that transpire in the opening minutes of "Machete," here are three: Danny Trejo, as the schlock-fest's machete-wielding ex-federale, busts into the lair of a reputed drug lord and cuts off the heads of maybe a dozen henchmen. A naked woman pulls a cell phone from her vagina and double-crosses Machete, who was there to save her. Then the aging 1990s action star Steven Seagal shows up (he's the drug lord) and, having taken Machete's wife hostage, proceeds to cut off her head with a samurai sword.

All this and the opening credits haven't even rolled. It's absurd, absolutely insane and a lot of fun.

The director of "Machete" is Robert Rodriguez, who possesses one of the most peculiar filmographies in modern cinema. Since debuting with the low-budget "El Mariachi" in 1992, he's switched between making violent revenge sagas ("Sin City") and fun children's fantasies, such as "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D." Suffice it to say: Rodriguez doesn't take himself too seriously.

His movies bounce with color and imagination, the visuals often computer-assisted and over-the-top. But for all his ingenuity, Rodriguez has yet to make a film that lives up to his potential.

"Machete" isn't exactly the exploitation masterpiece that the filmmaker's diehard fans were hoping for, but it comes blood-splatteringly close. In case you haven't done your geeky B-movie homework, "Machete" is a spinoff of the "fake" trailer that Rodriguez inserted into "Grindhouse," his throwback collaboration with Quentin Tarantino. In the heyday of exploitation films, these movies were pumped full of bad acting and gratuitous sex and violence. "Machete" carries on the legacy with head-chopping glee.

Trejo, a bit actor known for playing tough guys, is perfect in the title role. While you might not recognize his name, the 66-year-old's face is unmistakable. You could draw a map of the Western Hemisphere with the lines criss-crossing his cheeks.

After surviving the gruesome ordeal that opens the film, Machete crosses the border into Texas, where his bad luck persists. He's framed for the attempted assassination of a ruthless senator (Robert DeNiro) who is waging an anti-immigration battle with the help of Don Johnson as a border vigilante. Rodriguez's stunt casting doesn't stop there -- he's got Lindsay Lohan as a topless drug addict. Aiding Machete is Jessica Alba as an immigration officer and Michelle Rodriguez as a taco-truck revolutionary. Oh, and Cheech Marin plays a shotgun-toting priest.

Lohan's drugged-out temptress isn't the only timely thing about "Machete." The film engages the immigration debate with little subtlety. (At one point, Johnson's evil militiaman even shoots a pregnant woman trying to cross the border.) And that's the great thing about an exploitation homage like "Machete." There's no need for Rodriguez to disguise his politics with nuance when he can present them loud and clear -- like a shotgun blast, or the blood-curdling screams of a bad guy who's had his intestinal tract ripped out and used as a bungee cord by Machete to rappel down the side of a building. Yep, that happens too.

Tom Horgen • 612-673-7909